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After what feels like a 2,000-year delay,Garth DavissMary Magdaleneis finally hitting theaters.
In the biopic (?
Joaquin Phoenix plays Jesus, and honestly, its incredible it took him this long.
Lets allsmoke a quick cigarette underneath Jesuss crucified bodyand get started!
Its very Yeezy Season 2.
More like Jeezy Season though because, of course, Jesus is there.
Instead, Rooney Mara has flawless skin and stunningly coiffed eyebrows.
This distracted us during 99 percent of the film!
we want to focus on and interrogate the accent work here.
Meanwhile, Joaquin Phoenix is not even attempting an accent.
His voice work is centered on a quality we will refer to as sad scratchiness.
The sadder Jesus gets (and he gets … very sad), the scratchier his voice becomes.
Sometimes he lashes out angrily (more on this later), and his voice getsreallyscratchy.
Other than that, Jesus sounds like an American boy.
However, someone really should have cast him as Jesus ten years ago.
Joaquin has lived a lot of life, which is wonderful; however, it is also visible.
Jesus, famously, did not.
This is a distracting contrast.
Yeah, well, fuck you, mine is the kingdom of heaven, man!
It is not the life for me, she half-whispers in her Russian(?)
(Weve all been there, ladies!)
Shes still surrounded and judged by men; theyre just a bunch of zealous randos instead of her dad.
But of course, thats her prerogative.
Jesus is like, Well, yeah.
The women are, again understandably, pissed about this.
The same woman tells Jesus, Our lives are not our own.
He looks stumped, then does a pitch-perfect Millennial Male Feminist pivot: But your spirits are your own.
God, he answers.
So were supposed to defy our husbands?
Defy your husbands and brothers, but forgive them, he says.
Everyone leaves the scene more confused than when they got there, including us.
However, at one point, Jesus brings somebody back from the dead, and Mary kills someone.
I guess that conversation (Hold her legs down!
Though really it depends on whether the baby is a boy.
The other notable conversation between Mary and another woman happens when her French(?)
cousin tells her that nobody will want to marry her if shes friends with Jesus.
Ten minutes later, we came to and realized we had missed a significant portion of the plot.
Does Joaquin lift?We saw his ribs at one point.
(just … grow up … we are talking about the Bible.)
Guys, what happened?!
