Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Basra fields fairly low-key evenings, save for one.
You ruined eight years of your life.
You lied to him, and yourself … How could I ever trust you?
How could anyone ever trust you?
Basra defends herself without seeming defensive.
Im not saying I didnt lie, she says at one point.
She and I are, on paper, twins Im also Indian-American, in my 30s, and divorced.
Such features make Basra and I members of a small club.
With Justin, she cites a culture clash.
I messaged Basra on Instagram, and we arranged a date.
I live in Brooklyn, where I work from home.
She showed up in a well-fitted blazer, more on time than shed expected.
Also in the manner of a good date, our conversation veered off the preplanned route.
I dont know if Ill see her again.
But I had a great time.
I dont know how you kept your cool the way you did.Obviously, I cried.
I cried a lot more than it showed.
But, I didnt necessarily cry because of him.
I cried because he brought up all these other emotions.
When I got divorced, there was a lot of shame around it.
Since the show aired, Ive gotten, I dont know, a thousand messages.
Even though theres obviously a cultural thing to it, its not [only] a brown thing.
A lot of women experience this shit.
And no ones really seen it before.
I didnt realize I was going through that until I saw it on the screen.
From a zoom-out perspective, I appreciated that clip.
I hate that you had to go through that.
All of a sudden the mood changes.
I didnt kill puppies, why are you all of a sudden being mean to me?
And then its like, Well, why did you guys get divorced?
Sometimes I just want to be like, Who gives a shit?
Its in the past.
My parents had an arranged marriage, so I thought of marriage sort of like an obligation.
I had a crush on him in high school.
When I started having doubts, we were already engaged.
But its not them, thats just how the culture is.
The only people I know who have broken off engagements are second-gen Indian and Pakistani people.
She was coughing a lot, so I took her to the hospital and they intubated her.
She was in a medically induced coma … for three months.
She only has one lung now.
But, thats the thing life is complex, right?
If this was now, it would be a whole different situation.
Yeah, I was divorced.
It didnt work out.
On the show youre together for multiple hours and someone like Justin really [drills down] about that.
He comes from a very conservative background, where divorce is not okay.
He sounded like his parents were divorced, so maybe his mom did something similar to his dad.
You didnt pick anybody in the end.
As you get older, youre more self-aware.
My ex-husband and I separated [when] I was 29.
By the time the divorce paperwork happened, I had turned 30, and Im 37 now.
A lot of the immediate years after getting a divorce was like defending myself the whole time.
To who?His parents, my parents, family, even friends that [I lost].
I actually dated someone shortly after my divorce.
Probably should have waited.
He reminded me a little bit of Justin.
[We] were together for a solid two-and-a-half, three years.
I felt like that whole time I was just defending myself.
Was it Manny who was divorced?Yes.
Maybe because hes 27; he has energy.
And hes really positive.
When you meet him, you know youre going to have fun with him.
Its like finding a second job.
I mean, Im not good at it.
But youre not demeaning yourself or feeling bad.
How do you stay confident?
I changed my number, and the only person who had my number is my brother.
I just had to cut everyone off for a while.
Were they married?They were single.
Were they friends with him?Yeah.
I had one person take me to coffee and he was like, I think youre making a mistake.
He didnt know anything about our marriage.
After that conversation, I felt shocked.
I was like, Am I a selfish, horrible person?Totally.
You said you had this long, postdivorce relationship.
Was he a Punjabi guy?No, he was Pakistani.
So thats a whole other situation.
Did you tell your parents about him?Yeah, they met him and everything.
What about his side?They were accepting, but there was still this level of shame.
Well, you have to convert, and you have to do these things to make up for this.
Make up for the divorce or make up for being Sikh?For the divorce.
I mean, they didnt say that, but that was the way I took it.
My ex-boyfriend did mention the divorce a lot.
The guy I dated after, John, I met him through the apps.
Super-nice guy, a white boy from Minnesota.
Had you ever dated a white guy before?Not like boyfriend dating.
But that wasnt why [my ex-husband and I] dated.
[My ex-boyfriend] could not understand how I could marry someone while having doubts.
Justin was kind of articulating in your experience a by-the-book brown-guy perspective.One hundred percent.
I actually ended up meeting everyone on Saturday: Luke, Lex, Mila, Sarah, and Leonard.
They were all amazing.
We were in Brooklyn and then we made our way to the Standard.
Then we ended up going to Lukes, had drinks there.
His friends were having some party and we just crashed.
Has anyone stuck with their pick?I dont think so.
I think Luke and Victoria are still talking here and there.
Theyre doing that millennial thing where they date, and theyre not like committed, and they talk.
What made you go on the show?The way it happened was so serendipitous.
What were the cons?Creepers.
Im going to make a fool of myself on TV.
My parents are going to be embarrassed.
Everyone was always like, Aww, she got divorced.
So you were thinking about it sort of as a representation perspective.Kind of, yeah.
What did you do by yourself?Whatever the fuck I wanted.
Read books about, I dont know, meditation, all of the cheesy stuff.
Then, just being okay with the idea of not having a guy.
Im the happiest Ive ever been.
Every day I just get happier.
Its a strange thing when youre married and youre unhappy and whatever, but youre sort of socially acceptable.
And not lying to yourself, and youre not making excuses for your behavior.
I was just watching your episode, thank you so much.
Its not like theyre saying theyve gone through the exact same situation.
Im glad you went on the show.Im really glad I did, too.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
