Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Rachel Handler:Hello, Jackson.
At one point, a character warmly name-checks Aldovia,* a made-up nation where theChristmas Princemovies take place.
What are your thoughts??
hey weigh in).
But anyway, we should probably hash out some of theKnight Before Christmasbasics first.
What did you think of Brooke and her dashing knight Sir Coles romance?
I found it hard to not focus on the fact that his name just sounds like circle.
Rachel:Sir Cole is basically a poor mans Robert Pattinson.
He looks like somebody who ditches third period to smoke an apple bong in his moms Volvo.
We have let men take the laissez-faire hair thing too far.
I do want to circle (Sir Cole) back to the product placement.
The Alexa thing was staggering I cannot believe she was a character in this MOVIE.
This is basically what I predicted in ourFuture issue.
I have never seen anything so dystopian and craven.
I dont know that Ill ever be okay again.
Even if it primarily involves Netflix Christmas movies and the occasional live TV musical?
That made me personally feel like I was caught in my own version of Bracebridge, Ohio, a.k.a.
Rachel:Wait … is his name actually Josh???
I swear to God I didnt know that.
Jackson:It really is Josh!
Would look good in one of those stoner sweatshirts.
Rachel:I am screaming.
Relatedly, can we talk about the Old Crone?
Every time Josh screamed Old Crone?!
Could you just call someone Old Crone in the olden days?
Old Crone seems rude, even for the Middle Ages!
Rachel:The lake scene destroyed me on several levels.
First of all, Claire is far too old to wander off and get lost in the snow.
Secondly, why does Sir Cole know so much about the behavior of snails?
I call bullshit on Claires accidental journey to the center of the lake.
This bitch knew exactly what she was doing.
My mom never lets me have sweets, she tells Vanessa Hudgens in an early scene.
Later, her mom says, Stop eating those sprinkles.
They are for the cake.
And later, her mom expresses frustration that she gave away my cookies to everyone in the neighborhood.
Claire has a lot of repressed anger that she worked out by disappearing.
Also, doesnt he have knight things to do back in medieval England?
Its 1334, the Hundred Years War is about to start.
His kingTimothee Chalametneeds him!
I also wondered: Why did Vanessa Hudgens always bake bread in dry-clean-only tops?
Why did she wear full makeup to breakfast every day?
Why doesnt she have any friends outside of her sister?
Why does she own at least four winter coats?
Is she sleeping with Officer Stevens on the side?
Why did she only take one bite of her burger at the diner?
Who cleaned up after the Christmas banquet, because those old people left after they said theyd clean up?
Why does one scene focus entirely on Sir Cole drinking bottled water inside her home?
Feel free to answer all or none of these questions.
The single bite of her burger, however?
The first: Brookes redheaded neighbor, who appears out of literal nowhere to flirt aggressively with Sir Cole.
The second character I need to discuss is the young man who pickpockets an old womans purse.
Sir Cole tackles him to the ground and Brooke exclaims, Marshall Gellar?!
as if she knows him.
The subtitles here say Bruce Douglas?!
Neither of these names are explained or mentioned again.
Bracebridge seems small, there probably arent many men who arent cops around!
Alison and Claire really need to team up.
Vanessas Christmas movies are collapsing in on themselves.
Its the only explanation.
