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Hello again, Throning It In readers.
Come, let us process together all that we have seen.
And oh Lord of Light, it was a lot.This episodedidnt fuck around.
It tilted headlong into sweet, sweet death and destruction!
Fans of dust (I know youre out there), this was your episode!
Lets get to it!
The episode opens on Varys, whose penmanship is truly lovely.
It is SO IMPORTANT to eat healthy meals throughout the day.
Failing to do so can radically affect your state of mind and make you turn INSANE.
That isnt a riddle, Jon.
Its a troubling statistic.
He doesnt want to be king.
That has me worried for next week.
And my record of predicting things on this show ispret-tysolid.
After that we see Varys again.
Tyrion and Varys mark the occasion profoundly, and Varyss final words are Good-bye, old friend.
He said,Im going to miss some of the people and all of the money.
Thats what Ill miss.Brother, I hear ya.
Daeneryss dragon lights Varys up as everyone looks on, and oddly, Varys doesnt let out a peep.
That sure made me feel better about it.
If he doesnt mind, why should I?
Then we see Daenerys and Grey Worm still thinking about Missandei.
They dont appear to have transitioned out of the anger phase of grief, which is problematic.
Crossing a narrow sea is really not that impressive an accomplishment, lady.
Youve done better stuff.
Let that one go.
I got bored and started thinking about something else.
Is that too honest?
Is that whats happening?
Maybe I should go back and rewatch this scene.
(Note: I didnt.)
That much I got.
The scene ends on a mystery!
What is the favor?
Well, we never find out.
Did I miss something?
I do not know what this scene was about.
Then we take a break for a little comedy as Tyrion tries to speak Unsullied language.
What fun, now shut up and get to the death and destruction, thank you very much.
Its a perfect way of ending the siege of Kings Landing without a single person even getting a scratch.
Maybe hes not so dumb after all.
Then, shit starts happening.
How did these crossbows kill the other dragon so efficiently?
Why couldnthedodge these giant arrows?
Did he have poor eyesight?
I guess nobody in Westeros is making eyeglasses for dragons.
Am I working harder to make sense out of this discrepancy than theGame of Throneswriting staff did?
I guess were meant to feel that the sheer power of anger renders giant crossbows ineffective.
What follows is aperfectly delightful battle scene.
Good guys romping all over bad guys with a charming level of gore.
A total joy to behold!
She believes her people will fight to the bitter end to defend her.
And then we hear the cries of Ring the bell!
This was the bloodbath that was supposed to annihilate so many civilians?
It was over in a few minutes and only killed soldiers.
This is a very good outcome.
But wait, whats that?
Daenerys looking crazed and panting atop her one sharp-eyed dragon?
Dont tell me she didnt bring snacks along for the big battle!
All sorts of other things happen while peasants were being raped and burned alive for no reason.
Euron and Jaime have a chance encounter and fight it out over their love of Cersei.
They both get killed, but Jaimes killing doesnt stick.
I think he might have said Time out right before getting stabbed.
She thanks him and gives up on killing Cersei.
Read on for my theory on that!
Early in the battle, the Mountains helmet comes off.
Thats it, huh?
He must have called time out too, because this fatal stab doesnt bother the Mountain in the slightest.
The poor guy had no idea his brother was an immortal Frankenstein.
All you’ve got the option to really do is laugh at that point.
We rejoin Jaime and Cersei under the Red Keep, where their escape route has been demolished.
Cersei finally seems to get what Tyrion has been saying all along about her baby.
But its a wee bit too late.
The ceiling starts to cave in on them, and here is my big theory about this episode.
But it appears I was just a little bit off.
Okay, thatll do it!
And that brings me to the one regular feature of this column.
Which guest role should I have been cast in, in this episode ofGame of Thrones?
Once again, its slim pickins.
There was one frantic peasant who had a nice moment with Arya.
I think he cried out, Wheres my wife?!
Wheres my class ring?!
Wheres my top hat?!
Wheres my dwarf cock?!
(deep-cut callback).
All right, friends.
See you next week, unless HBO decides we dont deserve the last episode because of all your complaining.
