Bachelor in Paradise
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
I want everyone to grab something that means a lot to them and just get in here.
I want to tell you something.
As much as Iwantto do that, I dont want to do that.
Its been a hard year and its only August.
Our pitiful little minds are holding on to any little bit of fun and joy that comes our way.
Twitter exploded today about 30-50 feral pigs.
Were not doing great.
IS THAT MIKE IN THE SEASON PREVIEW??!??!?
I cannot and will not stand for Mike finding love in Paradise.
Cmon,Bachelor in Paradise.Im counting on you to not screw this up in so many ways.
All right, lets get to it.
He had casual sex with someone … then had casual sex with someone else?
Ghosting someone is bad.
Fine, Ill give Caelynn that.
But what is the PROBLEM here?
Im going to make a run at lay out Caelynns case against him.
They chatted and talked for a couple months.
They met at a music festival.
The next morning, he was a bit rude.
Then he told her that hed had sex with someone else.
Then he asked her to keep their relationship private.
Every piece of this seems fine, albeit a bit unseemly, to me.
Blake was, as far as anyone knows, a single person having as much sex as he wanted.
It seems like Caelynn expected a level of exclusivity that was never talked about.
And your hair will be doing something very weird.
Also, Blake is entitled to ask you to not share his business around.
Hes allowed to have a relationship be private, especially if its unfinished or vague.
BURN HIS OFFICE DOWN.
SET A RABID RACCOON LOOSE IN HIS CAR.
You said that when Blake told you he wanted you to lie you just said … okay.
So I dont have a ton of sympathy for her in this fight.
Its yet to be proven just how much of a fuckboi Blake is.
Shes not taking Tayshia or Hannah G aside to let them know.
You gotta do something, my dear bitch.
Cam does a full music video where he raps in the gym and onstage for an audience.
If youre worried that Cam has forgotten his catchphrase, dont worry.
Its back with thematic variations.
What does that mean?
I had to turn away from the TV to keep from gagging.
And because ABC cant help themselves, Demi is back and shes started dating a woman.
Also, Chris Bukowski is back for his sixth time on aBachelor-related franchise.
Hes been around so long hes been on shows they dont even make anymore.
Its time for everyone to funnel into Paradise, and folks start pouring onto the beach.
So far, Hannah G and Blake are the ones everyone is interested in.
The show also manages to have a few folks show up with very little fanfare.
Bibiana, Annelise, and Sydney all arrive in Paradise with barely an intro moment.
Also, Onyeka is here and she arrives with an air horn.
I cant with this woman.
Cam arrives and it sends literally every guy running from being near him.
Hes wearing a leopard-print button-down and he insists on calling it Purr-adise.
Its barely a pun and it doesnt mean anything.
So hes not only obnoxious, but he sees women as vessels for his sperm.
Hes not heard from for seven hours.
Hes just not ready for a relationship.
First of all, who asked you?
The first week, the guys have the power and Blake gets the first date card.
He picks Tayshia and Hannah G stares into the sun in disbelief.
Blake and Tayshia go to a room completely filled with string lights and make out in a hot tub.
The next day, Kristina arrives and she picks Blake for her date.
She puts her hair up in a ponytail and stares into the mirror.
Shes taking this motherfucker … on a REVENGE DATE.
I like this Kristina, and Blake is about to walk into a world of very arousing hurt.
