Bachelor in Paradise
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This is JOHN PAUL JONES.
JOHN PAUL JONESis adorable and perfect.
I have just been informed that JOHN PAUL JONES is no longer adorable and perfect.
I am saddened to report that JOHN PAUL JONES is a bit much and unsettling.
There is nothing that can stir up messy feelings like the wedding of a distant acquaintance.
When your close friends get married, youre excited and thrilled for them.
), or maybe it wasthe prop chicken that he ate, but JPJ finally snapped.
Lets get to it.
You deserve someone better.
And I guess thats the end of that rose ceremony.
She also says that hes a good guy who just doesnt know it yet.
Tell yourself that, Caelynn.
Caelynn gathers her two full travel bags of makeup and starts applying a full face in the Mexican sun.
Elsewhere, JOHN PAUL JONES begins his tragic heel turn when he just sits alone on a daybed crying.
Was anyone else freaked out when his crying sounded exactly like his laughter?
Is this the new trailer for Joaquin Phoenixs Joker movie?
Is the Jokers origin story that he was dumped in Paradise?
Therefore, her feelings are not valid or necessary for this equation.
Also, who turns 18 and decides to start looking for their wife?
JPJ, in the present day, asks the Lord to help him.
Then he blows his nose out into the sand and Im officially off #TeamJPJ.
This leads us to the contractually obligated wedding of Krystal and Chris, a.k.a.
Everyone is thrilled to watch a wedding that is a vague threat about their marriageability.
These two dummies managed to find each other; dont fuck this up!
Unfortunately, thats true for everyone else on this beach.
Its time for the wedding of the season!
(Because Rachel and Bryan didnt tapetheir wedding!)
Kendall and Joe are there!
Ben Higgins, single motherfucker, is there!
Everyone is emotionally on edge until SOME HOT DUDES WALK IN.
Oh shit, its Connor S. Caelynn pulls her tears back into her face through sheer force of will.
Caelynn also describes Connor S. as tall with darker features.
Is she looking directly at him?
JPJ decides that this wedding is the perfect time to settle his marriage vendetta with Derek.
He has decided that Derek is a fraud because he has a PODCAST and BANGS WOMEN HE MEETS ONLINE.
JPJ has concluded that Derek is a man who is alive in 2019.
Chris Harrison tells the smudge to get in there.
Chris Harrison turns to the crowd and says, LOOK UPON THEM, MORTAL SOULS.
WITHOUT THE BINDS OF MARRIAGE AND LOVE YOUR LIVES ARE WORTHLESS!
THERE WILL BE COCKTAILS IN THE ATRIUM!
Tayshia disappears behind a pillar to cry as if shes a soprano in an opera.
Derek wants to know two things about JPJs outburst: What is happening and why is it happening?
Specifically now and to him.
JPJs case for why hed make a better husband for Tayshia is that he doesnt have a podcast.
Hes not wrong on that one tiny, specific point.
Its time for the reception and only half of the cast gets to go.
This is preposterous and fucking dumb.
Its also just engineered for maximum drama between Clay and Angela.
Some of these people are starting to get on my nerves.
Once Demi puts her glasses on and Tayshia puts her hair up, its bad advice oclock.
At the reception, Kristina flirts with Connor, and Caelynn takes him aside and makes out with him.
Kristina makes fun of Caelynn for getting her leftovers: Dean, Blake, and now Connor.
Women supporting women (until you date the same guy)!
Angela and Clay sit down and have an uncomfortable post-breakup, post-friends-wedding conversation.
She tells him that he needs to find himself and be alone after their breakup.
Oh my God, if this show now involves podcast drama, Im out.
I follow enough comedians on Twitter, I dont need this.
The next morning, we get two new arrivals on the beach.
First its Connor S.!
Who couldnt see this coming!?
He takes both Caelynn and Kristina aside but picks Caelynn to go on a sexy body-painting date.
Caelynn immediately starts picking out the font for their wedding invite.
