Bachelor in Paradise
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Who would have thought that the romantic hero we all needed was blond, baffling, and bilious?
my answer would have been, Of course.
Nothing means anything anymore.
Who gives a shit?
THIS is the content I signed up for.
Finally, we got what we needed: two ROCK-SOLID HOURS of JOHN PAUL JONES madness.
That man could not have been a doctor.
He obviously was a member of a Mexican boy band thatParadisehired to appear as a doctor.
Lets get to it.
All these people are too young and entirely too steeped in very Christian-whatever culture.
Listen, there is nothing wrong with being in your early 20s and trying to get laid.
That frantic, sexual energy will power the planet when our sun dies.
There is also nothing wrong with having faith in your life.
are ardently seeking MARRIAGE with people they just met.
Its a Venn diagram that ends up being one circle that just says BAD DECISIONS in the middle.
So how does this manifest?
She tells him that he should take advantage of everything Paradise has to offer.
And Paradise has to offer Tahzjuan.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
HOW DID SHE GET THERE?
She didnt prepare a single thing before heading into Paradise.
This bitch did not buy sunscreen.
This bitch did not pick out a setting spray or matte foundation.
She also did not familiarize herself with the temperature in Mexico.
Shes too warm and shes not having fun.
Shes talking smack but shes also about to cry.
Im here to take everyones man … [sniffle].
She arrives on the beach and immediately asks JPJ on a date.
This is like Hollister Philip Seymour Hoffman going on a date with Forever 21 Azealia Banks.
Everyones emotional reaction is wildly inappropriate and its UNSETTLING.
The best part is when JPJ decides to eat the staged date food and screams, WHAT?
WERE AT ARESTAURANT,when Tahzjuan tells him not to.
There is a bat flying around the entire date.
You cant be a virgin who also cant kiss.
Thats worse than being a virgin who cant drive.
Dean is the worst and says that hes the worst.
Dean, mere acknowledgment of your flaws cannot and should not be confused with self-accountability or growth.
Dean even says, Youd hate being my girlfriend.
She is legally obligated to kiss his weird mustache and thats it.
She sets her sights on JPJ.
Hes playful, eager to yo, and has a big appetite.
Thats a man who lives to get wet.
At this point Tahzjuan is undergoing a full meltdown.
She says shes so over this shit and forces her body to shut down out of frustration and pettiness.
While shes being attended to by the doctor, she asks for guacamole and TOR-TIYYA chips.
She stands and screams into the ocean.
Shes eating spaghetti in the pool alone while crying, which is what the kids call a mood.
I forgot she says she wants to spit in Haleys wine.
Now shes just regular Azealia Banks.
Its time for the cocktail party.
Tayshia looks FULL-ON AMAZING.
The unoccupied women all head in with an agenda.
Even more weirdly, they all accomplish their goals.
Tayshia and Derek have a VERY flirty and sexy moment where Dereks case for Bachelor is solidified.
She also makes the really great point that theres no one there for Kristian to be tempted by.
So theyre just not even pretending to be part of the show anymore.
Were just watching two people go on a couples trip.
When I want to watch people in formerly secret relationships go on trips, Ill watch90 Day Fiance.
Blake gives his rose to Kristina because hes just bad decisions personified.
Derek gives his rose to Tayshia and I ship it.
Caitlin, Tahzjuan, and Jen are going home.
To be continued …
