Bachelor in Paradise
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Im all in with you.
How do you expect me to respond to this?
How about, youre all in, too?
Doesnt what I said mean anything to you?
Im sorry, Blake.
I know its week five ofParadise.I know youre feeling lonely.
It doesnt work this way.
Well, how does it work?
How about this way: Im all in for the way youve roasted me on all social media platforms.
Im all in for that look on your face when Im being a privileged asshole.
Im all in for the way I can still see your highlighter on my chest after we hug awkwardly.
And itisbecause Im lonely.
And itisbecause its week five.
What?This is what were doing?My God.
This shit is bleak.
He loves nothing more than wearing a woman down.
Also, Dereks absence means that John Paul Jones … won?
And that Tayshia has to be with him now?
Listen, Tayshia definitely could have very real feelings for JPJ.
What is this relationship based on?
Youre not allowed to say chemistry.
Bitch, I get it.
Apparently, thats good enough for both of them and theyre off to date Chase and Nicole.
Nicole still thinks that Angela has a sneaky lil plan and makes fun of her behind her back.
Its time for the rose ceremony and THIS IS BULLSHIT.
Sure, sure, sure.
BUT THE REAL TRAGEDY is that we have to say good-bye to Mike Johnson.
If the rumors are true, we wont be getting more Mike on our television as our next Bachelor.
The idea that almost any woman on earth wouldnt be interested in MIKE is laughable.
How can I fix this?
What can I do?
Can I offer my body as tribute?
Its time for the roses to be handed out.
Nicole gives hers to Clay.
Angela gives hers to Chase.
Kristian gives hers to Demi.
Okay can I pitch something here?
That way the show gets its LGBTQ moment and were saved a series of baffling rose ceremonies.
Hannah gives her rose to Dylan.
Katie gives her rose to Chris.
Haley gives hers to Luke?
Caelynn gives hers to Connor.
Sydney gives her rose to Matt.
The next day in Paradise, everyone is pretty coupled up but theres a new arrival!
Even though Bri really wants to take him on the date.
Hes gonna stick with the woman hes already slept with.
Finally, as the sun crests over Paradise, theres one more new arrival.
After we were forced to watch him shave his mustache, Dean has returned to Paradise.
Thats for Caelynn to figure out!
and youd be right!
And why come back now instead of waiting to approach her in the real world?
Because she might be developing feelings for someone else and Dean cant stand for that!
Long Michael Cera watches on with fear in his eyes and hate in his heart.
To be continued …
