Bachelor in Paradise
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What is wrong with men?
Just … what is happening with them?
Because each and every one of them is doing something preposterous.
I dont just mean inParadise.
Look around everywhere you look, theres a man justdoing a thingthat no one asked for.
No one asked for ANY OF THIS.
You cant see it, but Im gesturing wildly to the general environs.
But there seems to be something else happening.
Imagine how that would work in any other situation.
Well, anything wont happen if you actively teach me some damn math.
And I must admit that it isnt just the men this week.
Lets get to it.
The first person to offload any and all emotional responsibility is Dean.
You sad, smarmy, vain bitch.
She takes him aside and tells him that Dean asked her to leave Paradise and then stares at him.
What does he have to say about all of this?
Connor just says things that Dean has done, like dump Caelynn on her birthday.
There was really nothing Connor could have done.
Kristina confronts Dean because no one else on the daybed 75 feet away has any idea whats going on.
Listen, Im not the biggest Caelynn fan, but MY GOD, RUN.
RUN FAR AWAY, WOMAN.
When a guy tells you he doesnt know whats going to happen, hes not being spontaneous and romantic.
Aaah, modern romance!
Then they make out in front of everyone because nothing matters and everything is terrible.
Everyone cheers and shrieks and then the camera cuts to Connor.
Long Michael Cera is crushed.
Caelynn sits down with Connor to do the most perfunctory breakup inBachelor in Paradisehistory.
Im leaving with Dean.
My bad, I guess.
(Did anyone else catch when Dean yelled VICTORY!
while he was waiting for Caelynn to formally break up with Connor?)
First up is Katie and Chris!
Up next, its time for Demi and Kristians check-in.
Kristians love language is physical touch, and Demis is being on television.
Demi is uncomfortable that Kristian is exchanging platonic physical touches with straight women who have no interest in her.
This is (a) a lot and (b) sounds like something for a therapist.
EVERYONE goes to prom, and if you didnt, you were a bookworm, according to JPJ.
Tayshia squeals for three full hours as JPJ takes her to a daybed decorated with PROM balloons.
Also, theres a saxophone player.
Because nothing says American Prom like a loose saxophone player.
Blake is completely incapable of reading the damn room.
He tries to playfully hug Kristina, and she tells him EASY.
He tries to compliment her perfume, and she asks why hes smelling her.
He gives her a date card, and shes like … What is this.
The entire issue with Blake is hes decided that hes supposed to end up with Kristina withoutanyinput from her.
Of course, Kristina tells him that she just cant get there.
Okay, so we all being delusional, now?
Blake breaks down and doesnt understand how or why Kristina wouldnt want to be with him.
They both choose to leave Paradise in separate vans.
Blake says that this all feels like Karma.
No, Blake, thats not karma.
Thats just a pattern of consequences for your actions that you refuse to change or examine.
As Blake rides to the airport, he asks, I learned a lot but at what cost?
Blake, what did you learn and what was the cost?
A couple of ladies told you that you were kind of a dick.
Imagine the toll this must be taking on his soul.
If only he could do something oranything to prevent that from happening all over again.
Remember when we all thought he was really cute and Becca should have picked him?
