Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
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Sweet suffering Salem, we need to talk about pacing.
Quests that could have (really, should have) been episode-length escapades are over seconds after they begin.
Is light synonymous with mortal?
All of this is still!
But I am still very confused about what makes Sabrina so special, beyond the accident of her birth.
Why does the Dark Lord evenwanta half-witch by his side to reign over hell?
Also still totally unclear: how magic works here.
Is she good at magic?
In this world, is that even a thing?
On top of the pacing issue,nothingabout the manifesto-recovery makes sense.
Blackwood insists Zelda is inhisthrall, which is hilarious.
Prudence is desperate for her dads acceptance; he wont call her a Blackwood.
Everyones all excited and anxious because Zelda and Blackwoods wedding is only days away.
(We could have spent an entire season building to this wedding!)
Zelda manages to get Hilda, her maid of dishonor, un-excommunicated (recommunicated?)
), as hes allowed last licks of any bride before shes off the market for good.
Nick tells Sabrina about the anti-Pope, who is above all the high priests.
Oh, so he decides the rules Im always breaking, she says.
The current anti-Pope was a big fan of Sabrinas dad.
Faustus Blackwood brought down the plane that killed your mother and I, he says.
And then just in case you didnt catch that: Hemurderedus.
WHERE WAS THIS INTEL LIKE FIVE EPISODES AGO, EDWARD?
Could Sabrinas moms ghost not have hinted at this when she was in town?
Sabrinas bridesmaid duties are revoked; she is too young to see this as the gift it is.
Also, apparently ghosts love weddings because Constance is back, looming over the proceedings and haunting Zelda.
Ive never done that to an exs new girlfriend but I respect it.
Hilda does some dirt magic and captures her, preventing Constance from crashing the actual wedding.
Though Sabrina got the brush-off from the aunties, Ambrose believes her.
astral-projects into the ocean and comes back, manifesto in hand.
Back at the Academy, the Judas boys are up to exactly the gestapo-style chanting and hail/heil-ing youd expect.
Who will get to show their work to the anti-Pope?
(In a bit of perfect casting, this father of fathers is played byRay Wise ofTwin Peaksfame.)
The anti-Pope tells Sabrina he was a big fan of her father and his philosophies.
He also hits on every single woman he talks to, regardless of age, which is … weird!
Theres a lot of face-stroking.
Father Blackwood introduces his daughter Prudence as a gutter orphan.
Strong parenting right there.
Time to discuss my new favorite couple: Wardwell and Adam.
Wardwells take: Marriage is a walk down the primrose path towards a womans destruction.
Its nothing less than the complete obliteration of a womans personhood.
It takes everything from her: her body, her independence, even her soul.
And gives nothing in return.
Nothing shedwant, at any rate.
Will someone c’mon ask Rebecca Traister if she has seen this episode and has a comment?
But Adam says all he cares about is her; marriage is not important.
He is handling this extremely well!
I must say: I ship.
Especially when the Dark Lord shows up todaretell Wardwell, You belong to me and only me.
Buddy, youre a shitty boyfriend.
See what Im saying?
Also, I just want to add here that I really like Sabrinas outfit for this adventure.
Plaid mini, full zipper?
Ongoing mysteries:Why is everyone trying to commit homicide by stabbing when theyre all magic?
Dont they have spells for this stuff?
What do we think really happened to Luke?
