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Over four seasons and more than 100 songs,Crazy Ex-Girlfriendhas parodied nearly every possible topic and musical genre.
Even their middling entries would still be the envy of the YouTube parody culture from which Bloom emerged.
Nonetheless, heres my attempt to rank every songCrazy Ex-Girlfriendhas done, from worst to first.
(season 2, episode 8)
Best line: Honestly, it doesnt really have one.
Its cute, but nothing more though at least they got their moneys worth on that swim-up bar.
Its a cute, funny little pre-credits tag, but theres not much more to it than that.
Best line: You caught my tears / And occasionally, corn
125.
Is this a much bigger issue in Southern California?
Best line: And now the greatest peril of the group hang …EL CHEQUE
123.
Best line: She could switch to pizza bagels / If its not too late
122.
Nonetheless …
Best line: Thatswhere that scar came from!
/ From sexing a bush!
ThisKarate KidmeetsFootloosebit is a prime example: no lyrical content, but killer moves.
Best line: Not really applicable, though those nunchucks and backflips are pretty cool.
Best line: Are those sheets expensive?
/ Ill Venmo you back for your sheeeeeets
118. is a prime offender.
(Breakups often involve a lot of fighting and sex?
You dont say!)
Id have preferred a real drug-trip song with some actual lyrics and jokes.
Best line: Did we just drink … drugs?
But it would have been nice to see it get the full-length treatment that momentous decision deserves.
Of course, neither do most makeover montages, so maybe thats the point.
Best line: Ive really gotta sh … ine a light on this issue!
is that there arent enough remaining double entendres about Nathaniel or the show itself to sustain a second reprise.
(Example: And by season regular / I mean he eats bran in the spring!)
Best line:Tims gasp of utter horror upon learning that Nathaniels favorite TV show isWings.
Best line: Have you been tested for STDs?
Best line: May cause dry mouth.
But content-wise, its fairly lightweight, mostly coasting on Rodriguezs charm.
Best line:Rachel Blooms perfect hippieish delivery of Why?
Best line:She has spunk / And hes a literal drunk
105.
Best line: Wearin high heels and a short skirt made of murder
104.
Best line: We can climb every mountain / If the rope can support Haileys weight
103.
Best line:Back in the saddle / Or some other kind of seat!
Best line: Heather and her older self concluding by saying, That was a living nightmare.
That would all be fine if it wasnt also four minutes long.
All hail the King of the Spread.
The moves are impressive, though.
Who knewDavid Hull(a.k.a.
WhiJo) was such a good dancer?
Best line: Reach for the stars / (Literally touch the stars)
96.
And you cant deny its catchy.
Best line: Put on sunglasses / Take off the sunglasses / And just hold them, I guess?
but its not nearly as musically inventive or as funny.
With that said, Pete Gardner can sell just about anything, and his wig here isincredible.
Best line: Drooly drooly dreamy smile / Nappy nap land
94.
Its a fun song to bring back, but it doesnt come close to matching the original.
Best line: If shes famous and shes distant / Get in touch with her assistant
91.
Donna Lynne Champlin gives it her all, but this one is ultimately too vulgar to be affecting.
That bit about period cramps and dump cramps is indelible, and not in a good way.
Best line: Grocery Clerk with Half an Eyelids plaintive Were out of paper bags!
There are better songs onCXGabout mental illness.
Its more standard economy character development than silver elite comedy.
Best line: Hes filet mignon / Not just some piece of meat
87.
Best line: Squad goals!
/ Take control of the banks
83.
Or the difficulty of buying bras and clothes?
), and the pause to explain the white-dwarf joke really kills the momentum.
The joke is fairly basic (What if metal was about girly stuff?
), but it doesnt overstay its welcome.
Best line: What quote are you going with?
/ LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND!!
Best line: Stop ruining my vagina like you ruined musicals!
is arguably the single mostCrazy Ex-Girlfriendline ever spoken onCrazy Ex-Girlfriend.
Also, this songs commitment to Tom Hanksrelated sperm puns is remarkable.
Whos the New Guy?
Best line: Is this some sort of desperate move to help our ratings?
/ You mean our terrible ratings on legalscores.com?
(Blame West Covina for cutting their school band.)
Best line: Gasp is right!
/ Thats Gasp with an uppercaseG, which rhymes withP, the first letter inpool!
The lack of any visual elements to ground it doesnt help its case.
Best line: Hes handsome for a metaphor!
My main complaint is that this is yet another song that could have run longer.
It ends up being a big climax without sufficient buildup tough to swallow at $250 an hour.
(The delivery of janitor who lives in an RV behind the school alone suggests a heartbreaking tale.)
Best line: Lady who hit your car!
/ Friend of friend from law school?
/ Grocery clerk with half an eyelid!
Best line: Do you get those things are different?
/ (No hablo ingles.)
/ Entiendes que son diferentes?
Best line: Im sorry that I yelled, Patrick.
Its a solid point, but its also the same one that the season-one theme song made.
The different-every-episode cutaways to the wrong Rebecca (whos actually named Debra) are also largely unfunny.
Best line: Rebeccas snarky little wave as the song chirps, Its this one over here!
(They also didnt throw away their second, but well get to that later.)
The throwaway gag about B.J.
Novaks ecstasy factory is a personal favorite.
Best line: MORE EXAMPLES!
Its a real tearjerker despite only being a minute long.
Best line: That perfect What?
at the end, held just long enough to show that Rebecca is watching on the toilet.
But it still has some great lines, especially Valencias But I am just a humble yoga instructeur!
/ (Actually, I shouldnt do that, Im terrible with money)
61. in a yoga studio full of hypertoned Valencias, youll relate to this song.
Best line: Greet each day / Namaste / Screw you, youre fat
59.
And those costumes are just fabulous.
Best line: In fairness, I was also high.
And it has some pretty impressive pun couplets, like the one below.
Hill isnt an exceptional singer, but her expressive delivery really sells this one.
Best line: Ive done the workbooks, taken the pills, what more could I do?
/ How could I not know myself after all that Ive been through?
Best line: The sweet and the bitter / Streisand and Hitler!
(Thats a sexist term!)
Best line: The situations a lot more nuanced than that!
Its impressive for a first outing, but not top-tier material.
Best line: I am forever changed by what Ive seen today.
I need to go apologize to some bitches
48.
Best line:We read that article inThe Atlantic/ And then we peed onThe Atlantic.
Best line: Im Turin off my shroud!
The Math of Love Quadrangles (season 4, episode 15)
This is how you do a reprise.
Best line: Jokes on you, bitch, youll never be free!
add an earnest appeal to what could otherwise be a standard bit of raunch.
Best line: Were American men, we like all sports except for soccer!
/ Cause soccers just a bunch of foreigners running around, YEAH!
Its also quite funny.
Best line: Newsflash, fuckwads, Im a good person!
And if so, should that kind of pass extend to John Wayne Gacy, or even Hitler?
Best line:So yes, I do bad things, but are they actually baaaaad?
Textmergency/Where Is the Rock?
Best line: Get out of here, Steve Jobs!
Best line: Its D-Day in my lady parts
34.
I Go to the Zoo (season 3, episode 3)
Was this song a Lonely Island parody?
a friend texted me after it aired.
Best line: My favorites the cheetahs / But I aint fuckin with no zebras
33.
Best line: Carpe diem?
(Its listed below, of course.)
Best line: Like my pussy, you two have wonderful taste!
It would have been right at home among Schlesingers cult-favoriteJosie and the Pussycatstunes.
Best line: Ive never played piano before!
(Hmmm, not bad!)
Also, how can you not love a song that invents the trend of fake eyelids?
That literally renders the male gaze as Terry Richardson?
Or that has a line like the one below?
Lets buy a house in Portland!
Best line: While you were wearing flip-flops / We were wearing black flip-flops
25.
Best line: This song sucks!
/ I could make it good if I wanted to
24.
Its gorgeous and funny, but not a song that you return to for its emotional content.
Best line: Were tired of all your tangents / Thats also a triangle pun
23.
Best line: What could be right?
/ Schizophrenic or bipolar-lite?
/ Ive never heard voices but maybe its time to start / (Youre super cool, Rebecca!)
normal guys who just love their daughters a lot to feel comfortable expressing that.
(Check out those guns shes packing!)
Best line: The all-too-real stinger from the WASP mom: Everythings fine.
Best line:For the slightest chance at love / Id gladly tear my life apart
19.
Its the song that launched a thousand ships.
(The Tumblr kind, that is.)
Best line: If hes a broken condom / Im Plan B!
Its so good that you’ve got the option to forgive the writers forgoing back to theLes Miswell.
Best line: If it hurts to take a leak / Well, thats just part of my technique!
Best line: Sadly, this film does not improve
15.
(That thrown-off acoustic guitar and the intonation of Mah busy life both get me every time.)
Its the song every rom-com sidekick wishes they could deliver, and Champlin lands every intonation and nuance.
Her delivery is so interesting to watch, you almost dont want to see Rachel Blooms reaction shots.
Its funny and heartbreaking, an entirely new take on the post-breakup doldrums.
Champlin delivers every nuance of every line to perfection, and she looks great doing it, too.
Best line:Its called bloody show!
No, priest school!).
Still, itll remain deeply relatable for anyone saying good-bye to a relationship thats more Jerry Springer thanCasablanca.
Best line: But after sex / What happens next?
/ I mean, in the long run, not just fatigue and hunger
7. says more about Rebecca than some entire songs do.
It gets even better the more you watch it.
Its so perfectly calibrated that it even manages to stick a Shakespeare reference.
Best line: Impossible to choose, but I put the O.G.
in 5.0 GPA is up there.
Or maybe Im street smart / What, cause you minored in urban planning?
(Theres even a brilliantly timed reference to the season-one theme song.)
Plus, it has the funniest ending of anyCrazy Ex-Girlfriendsong: that misbegotten fade out is hilarious every time.
Its a deeply human masterpiece.
Best line: I deserve this!
*Due to an editing error, a previous version of this list misidentified the status ofCrazy Ex-Girlfriend.
