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The situation being, of course, that everyone is on the verge of violent death … together!
Arent you kvelling?!?!?
They say tragedy plus time is comedy, so it follows thatGame of Thronesplus time isFriends.
But anyway, 69.
Dany is dressing Jaime down in Winterfells little court area.
She wonders if she should trust Jaime, because he murdered her insane dad andhis hair looks absolutely crazy.
Dany and Sansa are like, Ohh, okay.
The problem is fixed.
The only nod the show makes to the fact that its episode 69 is Sansas BDSM outfit.
Dany is upset because Jon Snow is ignoring her after theirterrible Hometown Date.
Dany, frustrated and confused, is taking things out on Tyrion.
She thinks shes mad at him, but shes actually just horny.
Meanwhile, Gendry and Arya are furthering their own Fuck Plot down in the sword factory.
The music gets moody and heavy so we remember were supposed to be scared and absolutelynothappy.
However, the scene then plays out like a porn.
Gendry is covered in soot, sweating, hammering things.
She approaches Gendry and berates him for not making her spear faster.
Gendry stabs a tree trunk.
Both make a lot of references to being down in the crypt.
Arya asks Gendry to talk dirty to her: What do the White Walkers smell like?
Death, says Gendry.
Bran is …you know what Bran is doing.
He is staring at a tree.
He is inventing a form of invisible Soylent that tastes like a bus seat.
Jaime asks what Bran will do to him afterwards and Bran is like, After words?
Im already after words.
Words are manmade and therefore imperfect.
From here on out I will only communicate Jaime waits.
But Bran was serious.
He opens his phone and emails Elon Musk a series of photos of his favorite hackathons throughout history.
Jaime and Tyrion literally start the next scene as follows:
Here we are.
Yes, here we are.
Game of Thrones writers are just as exhausted as we are, and I take some comfort in that.
Tyrion is like, Remember how were brothers?
Jaime is like, Ha, true.
And I admit it was dumb to fuck my own sister, but at least now I know better.
However, it does throw the Lannisters wildly divergent curl patterns into sharp relief.
Jaime is staring intently at Brienne.
He knows shed be good for him as good as Cersei is bad.
Instead, he asks if she will do him the great honor of … being his wartime boss.
Dany is in her chambers, in mourning because she is not currently communing with Jon Snows apple-cheeked tush.
Sansa stands up as Dany enters, her rubber outfit creaking with the strain.
The two then have a sensual conversation about the perils of commodified feminism.
Or does it make sense that were enemies because were two women who have only slightly different political ideologies?
I cant tell which thing is more offensive in the context of theGame of Thronesuniverse, says Dany.
Sansa laughs, then stops, because it hurts in this dress.
Youre forgetting one other thing, she says.
Right, says Dany.
But I am fully dickmatized by Jon Snow, so dont be mad at me, okay?
Anyway, should we hold hands?
Theon shows up, destroying the destroyed moment.
Davos is doling out soup to everyone in Winterfell.
Say it with me now: Thats a lot of soup!
One of the soup-eaters is a young girl with facial scars who reminds him of Shireen.
She reveals that everyone who isnt fighting the White Walkers will be down in the crypt.
Just making sure Im clear on this.
Nearby, Jon is reuniting with his brothers from the Nights Watch.
He seems mostly fine even though he now knows he is fucking his aunt.
His hair looks fantastic.
Really great little half-bun.
Nice slick top, not too much gel, but enough to hold down the poof.
This is what I will focus on as we enter … Battle Plan Time.
Everyone is standing around a table, moving little tiles around.
Ive never been to war, but this seems real.
Jon decides that the best way to defeat the millions of immortal freakies is to kill their leader.
Everyone is like, But how???
Bran, who has known all of this the entire time, pipes up.
I know where the Night King is.
Hes coming for me.
Ill wait for him.
He wants to get in as an angel investor on my latest app.
Bran shakes his head.
Youre going to tell me about creatine, he says.
And youre going to tell me right now.
They make out, which is great, because theyre hot and not related.
Another area within Winterfell, another group of people having a conversation.
This time its Jon and Sam and, uh,Bledflay(?)
Let me be a soldier!
The men begrudgingly agree to let Sam die.
They clink coffee cups.
More people talking, more rooms.
I was wrong; Jaime and Tyrion are having more quality brother time.
Im not really sure why we needed more of this, but.
Tyrion reminisces about the first time the Lannisters were in the North.
I remember when you had good hair, and therefore, everything was great, he says.
[He really says that part!]
Which is weird, because they are waiting to be sieged by death itself.
Brienne, Podrick, Tormund Giantsbane, and Ser Davos enter.
Everybody agrees to have a small amount of wine.
Looks like we are about to be witness to Something Meaningful.
When she woke up, you know what she did?
She suckled me at her teet for three months.
Thought I was a baby.
Thats how I got so strong, he says.
He chugs an entire beer out of his horn.
Was 10-year-old Tormund attempting to have sex with the giants wife?
Was he just going to snuggle there for awhile?
Does he want Brienne to suckle him like the giantess?
Does he want to be Baby or Daddy?
Arya storms through the castle.
The Lord of Light guy joins in, because he hasnt had his meaningful pre-death convo yet, either.
Not a euphemism (yet).
Gendry approaches with her spear, which took him one hour to make after all of that whinging.
Arya is like, Great, but you misunderstood I want your actual spear.
Back around the fire.
How weird is it that were all here right now?
Everyones pupils dilate 12 percent as they take that in.
Tyrion posits that theyll all live because, despite unlikely narrative odds, theyve survived dozens of battles.
Suddenly, everyone is agreeing thatnow is the time to knight Brienne.
Women cant be knights, says Brienne sadly.
Tradition, she says.
Jaime asks Brienne to kneel, and knights her in front of everyone, calling her Ser Brienne.
Everyone claps because they are so woke.
The Woke Knights of Winterfell!
However, there is a very Im a Wonderful Male Feminist energy about all of this, very virtue-signal-y.
This should be a wonderful moment for a beloved character; instead, its disingenuous and deeply annoying.
We get it: Sam is a nerd!
Back in the fire room, Tyrion asks if anybody knows a song.
All of the woke men are like, Songs??
Suddenly, the show pivots from a situational comedy and becomes the end ofTitanic.
Briefly, Sansa looks at Theon like she wants to mount him over a sack of old potatoes.
Dany approaches, with Chris Harrison in tow.
You got a minute?
His gut still burned from where the baseball had hit him.
Ill give you two some privacy, says Chris Harrison, hiding behind Lyanna Starks statue.
Listen, Dany, says Jon.
Do you think we could just be friends?
Wait, be king?
What in the name of your sweet, sweet ass are you talking about?
Oh, yeah, says Jon.
Chris Harrison pops his little head out from behind the statue.
This also meansyoure related, you guys get that, right?
Both of them ignore him.
He shrugs at the camera and disappears again.
How CONVENIENT, she says.
And you waited until AFTER meeting my sons to tell me?
Listen, it was a lovely meal, says Jon.
I just dont think Im the right man to raise them.
Also, the whole king thing kind of stressful, you know?
Chris Harrison clears his throat.
Plus youre his aunt like, his actual aunt!
he says, trying to keep his voice cheerful.
Before they can resolve this whole entire thing in one conversation, the White Walkers approach.
Dany storms off to find her sons, who have been farting into Davoss soup as a prank.
