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Hello, dear readers!
Well, well, well.
It is my great pleasure to begin this recap with a big fat TOLDJA!
(Theyre humans, right?
By the way, what planet does this show take place on?
Who cares, right?
It is true that I got a few minor details wrong.
Or did they?!
And man, oh man, was there a battle!
Can we be honest?This episodewas an ORDEAL!
It was a 90-minute vision of HELL!
Oh Lord of Light, I did not do well tonight.
I did not handle this episode well.
I hate, hate, hate to do it.
It all starts with Sam, the pardoned book thief, panting and making his way to the front.
Lots of running, which makes the people walking look like real dicks, and there were a few.
Tyrion grabs himself a skinful of wine (yuck) and Branbait gets wheeled into position.
What do dragons do on the night before a big battle?
What meaningful conversations did they have?
Who did they have sex with?
Guess well never know.
Its all suspense at this point.
Jon Snow and his sister Daenerys take up a position overlooking the battleground.
Then the Red Woman shows up to help out.
The Red Woman has a mixed record is what Im saying.
Ill say this, she knows her audience.
Then she assures Ser Davos that she will be dead before the dawn.
I get the feeling nobody exactly gave the Dothraki the command to attack.
Looks like they just went.
Maybe their swords were getting too hot?
And then Jorah rides back like, Yeah, that wasnt cool.
Im gonna hang back here with you guys if thats okay.
And thats pretty much it for the Dothraki horde.
Always sad to see a horde come to an end.
And then here come the zombies and the battle is on.
There are just a lot of these dead people and this battle is starting to feel like no joke.
I dont watch this show when it gets scary or too intense.
I get the fuck out when all seems lost.
I am not good at scary stuff!
Oh man, did I want to turn this show off!
I had promised to recap this episode for Vulture.
They couldnt look away and neither could I.
We were equally stupid to have agreed to this!
Sansa heads down to the crypt and Arya gets ready to put some arrows through some rotting skulls.
We check in with Bran and Reek.
Seems big, whatever it is.
Then its back to the melee and the first major death of the episode.
A black watch guy?
I could be wrong.
Even the ballsy little girl is like, Thatll do!
Im ready to come in for some hot cocoa!
Then its just really, really chaotic for a while.
Cmon,Game of Thrones!
I said it a bunch of times but, to be honest, couldnt quite convince myself.
Dead people are incredibly patient.
They have no real plans for after the battle.
Then Sansa has, for me, the quote of the night: Witty remarks wont make a difference.
You have some little jokes youd like to make?
Get down into the crypt with a skinful of wine, smart-ass.
Ill telling you, I went through a lot watching this episode.
Im not willing to be thought of as quite that eccentric.
This Night King is really leading from behind.
Then the trench is breached and things just get so incredibly bad.
An all-out castle-wall brawl.
Totally hopeless.Everybody is 100 percent for sure going to die.
The Hound has had it.
Then a dead giant shows up.
Not just any little girl.
The ballsy little girl whos always calling out Point of order!
at the Winterfell town council meetings.
She picks a fight with the giant, of course!
And midway through getting crushed to death, she sends that motherfucker back to hell.
And there goes the best character in the history of this show.
A big aerial dragon fight?
Then Arya sneaks around the Winterfell library in a mercifully quiet stretch of this episode.
Yeah, Winterfell has a library.
I didnt know that either.
She could have wandered around the castle as a dead person for a while just enjoying some peace.
But I guess she didnt think of it.
Back down to the crypt, where things look bleak.
Then we get to turn a bunch of dark corners with Eye-Patch Guy and the Hound.
I have to say, I picked the right characters to never learn their names.
So long … other guy.
Red Woman and Arya talk about meeting before.
I dont remember that but Ill take their word for it.
Why would they lie?
If this battle didnt wake up that tree, I dont know what will.
Im no arborist, but lets face it, that tree might be dead.
That would have been a good title for this episode: So Many Hodors!
Then I think there was another aerial dragon fight, or a continuation of the one from before?
I found the dragon stuff hard to pay attention to in this episode.
I wasnt invested in their journey!
Or maybe its because these dragon actors just werent bringing it.
Then Im pretty sure Jons dragon dies and the Night King falls or jumps off of his dragon.
and I started to calm down a little.
It was at that moment that my family returned home.
I barely got the TV paused and turned off before my darling daughters walked in the door.
They almost watched Ser Jorah of Mormont get stabbed hard in the belly, and hes their favorite character!
It was lovely and I was so glad not to be in Winterfell anymore.
The Night King and Bran come face-to-face and just stare at each other for a long, long time.
Is it fair to say neither of these guys has particularly great social skills?
Super stealthy Arya launches a flying attack at him not-today style!
But he senses her in the nick of time and grabs her by the neck!
And midway through getting crushed to death, she sends that a-hole back to hell.
I say this as an expert on when and how to use an ice dragon in a siege.
Now Im getting emotional.
Maybe not as emotional as Daenerys, who really loved Jorah.
But honestly, it never would have worked for them.
Her father never would have allowed her to marry so low a figure as a newspaper mogul.
you’re free to take that prediction straight to theGame of Thronesprediction bank with all my others.
Okay, nowgo watchVeep.
Oh, speaking of which, I almost forgot.
I would have ad-libbed a little something in the close-up.
No Starks, but hey, 25 cents!
or, Look at all the gum under this table.
These people are disgusting!
Might have just been for the gag reel, but still would have been worth it.
