Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
In other words, shit was going to go down, for a very long time.
However, somehow, we viewers were more prepared for this battle than the characters themselves.
Everybody showed up at the battle and seemed to bereally winging it.
See you out there!
Gonna go grill out with the family tonight and well catch you tomorrow.
The other people who did not seem prepared?
Amanda Peets husband and everyone who works for him.
Seventy percent of this episode waslit like the inside of a human mouth.
The castle is hustling and bustling.
Everyone is preparing for the arrival of the zombies.
Bran is heading to the office to hold a brainstorm.
From personal experience, I can tell you that this works in a college lecture but not in war.
Melisandre rides up out of literal nowhere.
She explains that she was at Costco.
There was a sale on hot dogs.
Upstairs on the wall, Davos is not convinced.
There wasnt a sale on hot dogs, he says under his breath.
The two confront each other in the hallway.
Therewasa sale on hot dogs, says Melisandre.
Ill die later tonight and Ill give you my card.
The battle ostensibly begins.
The Night King is coming, says Jon.
The dead are already here, says Dany.
These are both facts.
Dany storms off, leaving Jon and his little perfectly gelled hair poof bereft.
Chris Harrison clears his throat.
Jon blushes, realizing hed spoken aloud.
Chris pats him on the back 12 times, hard, until Jon pukes.
There, says Chris.
Now youre ready for your next one-on-one.
Everyone is just standing around, watching their co-workers get violently slayed.
Now would be a great time to make other war plans with tiles, maybe?
Instead, they sit and wait until they are attacked by the indiscriminate horde.
Here is where things become truly incomprehensible, visually.
Anyway, finally, the dragons show up.
About 40,000 deaths too late, but well take it.
But because things werent annoying enough from a visibility standpoint, a snowstorm begins.
Its not being received … well, says Theon cautiously.
People want to decide for themselves how often to cry.
Bran looks at him.
No, they dont, he says.
Theon starts to cry.
Now, carry on with your presentation.
Theon pulls up the next slide.
Lotta stabs, lotta horses neighing.
Lotta sounds of men saying Hyugggghhhhhh.
Sam falls to the ground and has enough time for a nice reflection, watching his friends get murdered.
He thinks about the one time he had sex.
He thinks about the day he learned to gel his hair.
He thinks about his outfit its flattering!
Its a nice time for Sam.
Sansa, still in her domme outfit, heads down to the crypt.
Everyone stares at her; nobody talks.
They have already formed a little rude clique, the Crypt People.
Except for her husband Tyrion.
I absolutely love that domme outfit, he says.
Sansa lets out a sigh of relief, but then begins to choke.
I forgot I am not supposed to sigh in this outfit, she sputters.
Chris Harrison steps into the frame.
Love is about communication, he says.
Dany and Jon both say, Shut up!!
at the same time, cutely, like the Olsen twins.
They smile at each other, then remember theyre supposed to be mad.
They fly off in separate directions.
Its flaming arrows time on the battlefield.
Nothing is going well.
Everyone is dead, dying, or absolutely losing it.
Davos is doing rhythmic gymnastics on the balcony.
Where are the fucking dragons dot blogspot dot com?
Everyone looks at her like, You kidding me rn???
This is like, your one thing?
Down in the crypt again.
Sansa and Tyrion are flirting about their sham marriage.
I cannot, and I mean I simplycannot!
!deal with another Fuck Plot, especially between two legally married people.
We have three episodes left, Amanda Peets husband.
hey let Sansa keep her domme outfit on the entire time.
Back at Brans office.
Hes just ordered Theon to redo the presentation, this time without using any vowels.
Theon turns to him.
Im sorry for stealing your house and pretending to burn you to death, he says.
Brans like, We dont have time for this.
We go live on the App Store in 30 minutes.
Im gonna go now.
hey have this ready by the time Im back.
We can all learn something from the wights, who are clearly socialists.
Men scream unintelligible things at each other under a blood-red sky.
Were 40 minutes in now.
Say it with me now: Wow, it reallyisthe longest battle in history!
Arya is cracking skulls and taking names while the Hound is freaking out in a corner.
But we both have to do our jobs.
Dany and Jon are still on their terrible sky date.
Chris Harrison keeps pointing out the scenery below in an attempt to lighten the mood.
Arya is browsing the castle library.
Demonstrating an utter disregard for literature, she hurls a book onto the ground.
The wights, starved for good content, run after it.
Unfortunately, the book isThe Da Vinci Code,and the wights lose interest quickly.
They pursue Arya around the castle, begging for better reading material.
The Hound and Beric bump into Arya in the corridor.
Quick, she says.
Do you have anything by Curtis Sittenfeld?
They shake their heads.
I lovedPrep,though, says The Hound.
Beric looks in his pocket.
A wight descends upon her, ravenous for a good yarn.
Beric holds them off, imploring Arya to run.
They tear him to bits, but save the mag for later.
Melisandre pops up from the back of the room.
Costco has nice sales on books, she says.
Arya looks at her.
One of the most highly rated shows on television.
This episode is unusually good, though.
Ill give it that.
But Ive loved following your storyline.
You have to go wrap up your arc.
Arya nods and runs out of the room.
Its snowing inside of Brans office.
This is a feature, not a bug, he says to his staff.
He is still rolling.
The wights approach the door, snarling.
Uh, like check in with security first, he says, chugging an Evian.
The Night King, meanwhile, flies over the castle on his ice dragon, looking extremely smug.
Like he invented ice dragons!
All three dragons begin bonking into each other very rudely.
Just three brothers having a fight in the air.
Jon is exhausted.How did I let this woman drag me into her family drama?he thinks.
Chris Harrison clears his throat.
Did I say that out loud again?
Chris laughs and reaches over to pat him on the back.
Jon recoils reflexively and falls off the dragon.
Dany tries to kill the Night King with fire, but he survives.
Dany flies off, freaked.
Nobody else was available to sit on the dragon?
Pursued by Jon,the Night King catwalks very casually past a row of dead bodies.
He begins to reanimate them.
But he makes it fashion.
Sams weirdly aged baby begins to cry.
Another nerd on our hands.
Back in Brans office, Theon refuses to let the wights get through security without signing an NDA.
Everything we do here is top-secret, says Theon.
I cant let you through without your express agreement to our terms.
Meanwhile, Dany saves Jon at the last minute by breathing fire onto the fresh wights around him.
Again: The dragons could have solved this whole thing …
immediately!!!!
Dany and Jon speak for only the second time in the entire episode: Bran!
Jon heads to Brans office.
He laughs, hearing the thought ring in his brain.
I guess Idolove her, he says, this time out loud, on purpose.
Chris Harrison raises his hand to pat Jon on the back.
Jon punches him in the throat.
Dany, distracted by Jons sudden display of integrity, falls of her dragon.
Fortunately, Jorah is conveniently behind her, and saves her ass.
Unfortunately for Jorah, she is still sprung for her nephew exclusively.
Sansa and Tyrion stare at each other meaningfully in the crypt.
He kisses her hand.
I swear to God … oh, it turns out its just a minor suicide pact.
Jon continues running to Brans office, practicing his sales pitch in his head.
Im good with my hands, and I love people, he recites.
The ice dragon gets in his way, breathing chilly blue flames onto his dangerously flammable gelled head.
Elsewhere, all of our favorite major characters are conveniently battling White Walkers but not dead.
Just workin very hard!
And Bran is coming down from his trip just in time for the Night Kings approach.
The music gets veryTitanic-y at this point, so we know someone is about to die.
Jorah, who sold some slaves and loved some dragon queens.
Jorah, who I cannot stop confusing with Davos.
Lets pour one out for Jorah, who is the one who once hadgreyscale.
Dany weeps openly over his body.
Ill never let go!
Chris Harrison clears his throat.
Actually, youre contractually obligated to let go, he says.
Dany kicks him in the balls.
The Night King is at Brans door now.
Theon has gotten all of the other wights to sign the NDA, but the Night King refuses.
Theon charges toward him, ready to guard Brans start-ups secrets with his own life.
Die, that is.
Theon was a cutie with some personality problems, but fundamentally alright.
I think we can all agree about that.
But all Bran can muster is, Theon, youre a good man.
Its important for a Night King to have that sort of intel.
Everyone is like, Uh, should we wait, or … ?
One of Brans assistants asks the Night King if he wants a matcha latte.
She drops her knife from one hand to the other, andstabs him in the gut.
In other words, she alley-oops herself.
She Michael Jordans the Night King.
Its almost worth the price of admission (90-plus hours of our mortal lives; permanent brain damage).
Bran looks at Arya.
Can you grab me a Soylent?
Her work done, Melisandre wanders into the snow.
