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I anticipated it might be kind of emotionally tough, but I was looking for exposition.
I was blind to it.
He honed it, hyperfocusing in on the part of the two-hour interview where I confronted her.
Josh was able to really pull out the vulnerable, uncomfortable moments.
I was blind to that.
I didnt even remember that happening, in a way.
Not like that, at least.
Sometimes other people can see our narrative better.
And just being with my mom and talking about those things triggered me to go back to that.
So its different thanI know this is difficult.
I felt like I had more of a grasp on my relationship with Zack, Keire, and Nina.
It wasnt like,Im gonna go and have my character journey be about confronting his past.
Its you confronting the past.
Its not just your relationship growing with these people as a filmmaker.
Its you doing something about what happened to you.
Youre trying to go back and make sense of it with your family.
My mom and I didnt have much of a relationship.
I was born in China, and she was working and going to school all the time.
She illegally left me alone all the time.
And then when she met my stepfather, she still worked, second and third shifts.
Once I moved to Chicago, I was just like,Im severing my relationship with my family.
Things were getting so bad once I left.
He shot a gun at her in the house.
I tried talking about the past with her, and it was just really difficult.
I didnt have a reason to keep on trying.
Interviews are a weird box to work in.
But yeah, I just love interviewing people.
I remember growing up getting accused a couple times, like, You just extract stories from people.
The reason for doing that was I didnt know how to be intimate with people.
Did you ever consider talking to your mom in Mandarin?I dont speak good enough Mandarin.
So I sort of lost it.
I dont think it could have been.
Were there other racialized aspects to his violence?Yeah, in so many ways.
I think Im going to base it off the model of domestic violence, though.
Domestic violence is about control, right?
The ways that you control her financially, verbally, physically, abusing her kids.
I mean, theres this whole chart.
He used cultural abuse toward us and called us names, called my mom names.
Called my mom Chopsticks.
And it was just to demean, just to make us feel less than.
So much of that relationship and that marriage was about our citizenship.
I didnt get my citizenship until I was 14.
First and foremost, for them its about domination and control, and racism came out of that.
Theres only so much we can fit into a 90-minute film.
Ultimately, really learning to step back and being self-accepting.
That journey was also what I meant when I told Keire that.
Growing up in Florida, Ive always liked Asians who grow up in weird places.
I have my community.
Ive got my friends.
I feel weird being Chinese-American now.
So much of this country racially, the narrative and the dialogue around it, is a black-and-white dialogue.
Its built into the history of this country.
I think were just a lot more fractured, the Asian-American diaspora.
Its confusing and frustrating.
I wish there was more cohesion.
I wish there was some unifying force.
I was thinking about that Harvard lawsuit.
I feel ashamed that that lawsuit was happening.
Right, like the ultraconservative parts of Asian-America.Yeah, like conservative, political, elitist, individualistic.
This greedy, capitalistic, I have mine, so fuck you sort of thing.
Like, Im going to show my own journey as a filmmaker filming in this Rockford community.
Hes such a positive, optimistic guy.
So archival helped a lot.
I rented an Airbnb in Venice where Josh lives.
What if we tried that as a way to thread all these up?
So that night I was so excited about the idea, I just cut a first pass of it.
It needs some work, but this is the climax of the film.
I think ultimately it has to do with the masculine scripts failing.
His life, then, is one where he feels emotions that he can never let out.
And he has this outward charismatic one that is based off getting people to like him and accept him.
And thats a fucked-up tension to live with, and the only solution is running away and drinking.
When youre living this dual life, youre not actively doing it.
You put power and control above everything else.
I think thats a humongous problem.
So much of what Zack struggles with is his relationship with love.
Yeah, whats striking is the different takes about him as a character from audiences.
A lot of people see versions of their friends they grew up with.
A lot of people see themselves, and a lot of people hate the shit out of him.
They just havent gotten to that place where they can forgive, which is totally fine.
What her life must have been like.
Anyway, what that said to me was that it is not easy to break the cycle.
It takes a lot of work, but its possible.
And this is what it looks like.
And its one version of that journey.
How did you feel about your Oscar nomination?You know what?
Im like that guy at the birthday party whos sad at my own birthday party.
Ive been watchingBrooklyn Nine-Nine.
And I think it was probably the ultimate grounding experience.
Its a worldwide project that follows people around the world.
Is your mom proud of you?Yeah, absolutely.
Thats the main thing that I know her thoughts about all this.
I never heard her take on the film in any deep way or anything.
I mean, its more that shes just proud of her son.
Youd have to do another film to know what she thinks about it.I know.
]And now the scene where I confront my mom about my last film.
Mom, what did you really think?
You never told me.
Im doing this because I love you, Bing!
Yeah, thatd be fucked up.
That would definitely be exploitative.
