Riverdale
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Josie is our Veronica, Sweet Pea is our J.D.
(By the way, yes, were working withHeathers 101: High School Editionhere.
Those two elements sure sound like the baking soda and vinegar needed to create a drug-lab volcano.
Sounds like Gladys has been up to more than just making her ill-conceivednightlife debut.
(Hmm an unexpected pivot into cabaret?
A complicated relationship with her children and their father?
A demonstrated interest in being cool, and not being at all, like, uncool?Interesting.)
Veronica, meanwhile, is devastated to learn that her parents are separating.
Hermione somberly explains that Hiram found out shesold his drugswhile he was hospitalized.
(Catholicism: Well Sure Do a Number on YouTM.)
Did I mention that our good, in-no-way-creepy, why-would-you-even-think-that friend Evelyn has been promoted to co-director/unofficial all-cast therapist?
Farmer Ev invites the whole gang to a preopening cast party at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy.
This former convent turned protoHeavens Gate death mansion has it all.
People who I dont think weve been introduced to sitting in what feels like a bathtub.
Suspicious light-blue Jell-O shots.
And most importantly, there is fist-pumping, vaguely rhythmic jumping, and hand-jiving for good measure.
for many years to come.
(Where have I heard that before?)
How beautiful, says Evelyn, who really has a way with adjectives.
Also, I hereby fulfill my bare-minimum recap requirement of confirming that, yes, Jarchie is still happening.
Cheryl approaches near-pyrokinesis levels of anger when she sees Toni wearing red,her signature color.
She demands Toni remove any trace of herself from Riverdale High and transfer elsewhere by Monday morning.
(Is this how schools work in Betsy DeVoss America?)
Betty spies on a far less titillating closed rehearsal for select cast members in the Gargoyle Kings chamber.
Kevin and Fangs kneel before Evelyn, who … marries them?
Just has them kiss?
I havent studied up on the Farms ecclesiastical law.
Nancy Drew presents Principal Weatherbee with photographic evidence of this ceremony, but he isnt bothered in the slightest.
In fact, hes read Edgars fascinating doctrines himself.
This one goes all the way to the top, sheeple.
He knows Hermione tried to have him killed twice, which he suspects Veronica is already aware of.
With trust gone, there is no family anymore.
Cue V rehearsing the very lonely solo number Lifeboat.
TheHot Dad Brigadedoesnt know what its in for.
