RuPauls Drag Race All Stars
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The time has come to impress Ru and prove why youre a winner, baby.
One hundred thousand dollars is on the line, and our top four is a competitive one.
We have Naomi Smalls, whos proven this year shes got claws to go with those legs.
We have Monet X Change, who went out and bought some new gowns, bitch.
We have Monique Heart, now dripping in expensive garments instead of pulling shit together on the fly.
And we have Trinity the Tuck, who lost the Taylor and all the fucks.
But who, bitch, will win?
Who is entering that Hall of Fame with Chad Michaels, Alaska, and Shangela?
Okay, fine, Trixie.
Lifes not fair, etc.
I know, I know.
This, for me, equals a challenge win and moves Monique up in the standings.
So, obviously, the bar is high.
Its taken the place of the Lunch with Ru and I dont know if I live for it.
But, get that promo Ru.
This is your show, mawma.
Get them Squarespace adslistened to, bitch!
It felt like she ended up doing it correctly by the skin of her teeth.
This is an altogether more confident Tuck, so Im sure it will be just fine.
Todrick Hall is on hand to give the girls choreography that looks fucking insane.
Good assist, Trinity!
Naomi lets us know in her confessional she is horny and her DMs instantly flood with your dick pics.
Yes, you, reader.
Then the ladies all take turns doing cartwheels, and Monique has capital-D Difficulty.
Trinity laughs in a register weve never heard before, and eventually the cartwheel gets cut from the routine.
I would have kept it, but, hey.
Individually, Monet is standing out in the rehearsal big time.
She looks like a pop star, and the other girls are taking notice.
This is obviously a challenge where Monet is going to be a standout.
Teeth begin to chatter thinking about Monets slayage and Trinitys track record.
How exactly can Monique and Naomi compete with this?
I feel an extremely good vibe and buzz around her this episode.
Proving that there is so much yet to explore, Monique Heart reveals that she was once 300 pounds.
back when she was closeted and in seminary school.
And, hello?!
I want to hear this episode of the podcast!
This is one of the most unreal twists of the season, and it is fake.
We really dont need shenanigans.
Its way, way more interesting to just let these women fight it out and judge based on merit.
Monet starts things off as iconically as it seemed she would.
you’re able to just tell shedoes this.
The Monet we were all as positive would win the show as we were about Bob the Drag Queen.
She deserves to be top two.
Its tough to follow Monets performance, and Monique Heart is given that number-two spot.
Everything about her is right in this performance, but it doesnt feel like its rightand more.
Its not oozing that charisma and star quality that Monet just oozed all over the dance floor.
We can still smell the Monet ooze.
Im a fan for life.
But Im not sure she deserves to be top two.
Naomi Smallss verse is definitely the funniest that we get in this challenge.
Giving body, no curves is great.
She doesnt feel like the contestant we watch this show every week for.
Yes, she gags us on the runway.
Yes, she surprises us more often than not when it comes to performance challenges this season.
But does she feel like the winner of this season?
Really ask yourself that.
For me, shes not top two.
When Trinity the Tuck enters, you know a star has hit the stage.
Her super queen outfit is the most memorable and stands out amongst everything going on onstage.
Shes obviously drilled the choreography, because it looks lived-in.
Her verse feels lyrically climactic and youre not surprised listening to it that they chose to put it last.
I guess Ill put it this way: Explain how you could be better at drag than Trinity is.
Her track record speaks for itself.
If she isnt top two, somethings wrong.
The show has done stranger things.
Especially in All Star seasons.
But this bitch is a top-two bitch.
With that said, its time to see the final runways and hear from the judges.
Im not entirely sure about the gloves.
Trinity, like Monet, gives us her best look of the season.
Looking like a walking piece of fina china, she is serving teacup.
The top two is further solidified based on this runway.
All of the ladies have moving things to say about why they should win.
When she says that she feels she has earned this, Ru warmly nods and smiles.
Ru loves this bitch.
But well always have that Prince look.
Monique and Naomi are both good sports about this, probably because they can see it coming.
Both of them obviously want this so badly.
Its a thrilling lip sync to watch, and to a great song for the moment.
Trinity is probably serving the best lip sync she ever has in terms of what her lips are doing.
She is serving the spirit of the song.
But Monet is matching her, and has an extremely fun wig reveal.
A short wig into a shorter wig I guess we can call the latter one a full-on bus-driver moment.
She also has a jump into a split.
But Trinity has the conviction.
She also has the tuck, whichyou knowgets whipped out.
The performance is a nail biter, and its not clear who wins it.
Its really, really exciting, and either way the season is a huge success.
Call it Sir Alec Guinness because it goesbothways.
Was this truly a double win, or were we scared to make a choice?
But, in the words of Thorgy:
Oh, Jesus.
… Said the Bitch!!!!!
!
