The Bachelorette
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Thank you, ABC.
Thank you for finally doing your job and delivering an actual episode ofTheBachelorette.
While the actual show is doing what its supposed to do, we have to talk about Hannah.
Dear, sweet, precious teacup-pig-in-a-party dress Hannah.
How is a Southern woman like a teacup pig in a party dress?
Because theyre sweet, petite, and are the other white meat!
Can we just let Hannah bang?
Because thats clearly what she wants to do.
Right Comma Girl on national television?
Whats the most important thing in the world to Garrett?
What makes Dylan smile?
What is a Dylan?
Lets get to it.
The Board of Tourism would like you to know that Riga starts with the same letter as romantic.
The contesticles scream Hannahs name into the Baltic air and its time for the first date of the week.
Garrett gets the first date card and meets Hannah in the woods.
Two thirds of the dates this week start with one of these guys walking deep into the Latvian woods.
Hannah and Garrett come across a river and a bridge and a troll points to the sky.
They see a cable car and out jumps two naked-ass people strapped to each other.
This is apparently a Latvian tradition, even though modern bungee jumping was invented in 1979.
Whats a big hurdle thats helped mold you?
What the actual fuck is happening here?
Is this how humans talk?
Then Hannah literally says this: Living my life for myself.
Not letting others control what I do.
I would do everything wanted me to.
I didnt want to be rejected and rejection is all fear.
Ive allowed that fear to control me.
Its hard and a battle every single day.
Its a lot easier to fight with the right weapons to bring to the battle.
I dont want this fear to control me.
Is rejection the hurdle?
Weve had this problem with other leads before, and its rearing its ugly head again.
What is Hannahs story?
What is her narrative?
What one quality within her must someone respond to to understand the real Hannah?
But Hannah keeps referring to letting things and people control her.
I wanna hear about that.
Give me specific examples.
Support your thesis statement with evidence.
Did we already know this?!?!?!
I didnt know this and I transcribe almost every word of each episode.
Why havent we heard more about this?
We dont actually get to see Hannah define her own identity.
Shes the shows Strong Female Lead who actually has fewer lines than the male villain.
Lukes internal computer gets so overheated, it has to shut down and turn back on.
Then were off on a classic Walk through the market and look at things date!
Hannah walks around the marketplace and names foods that she sees and then screams in excitement.
IIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!
Shes like the Guy Fieri ofThe Bachelorettecinematic universe.
Then Luke decides to Luke the whole good thing up.
What does it say about this show that respecting a womans basic agency makes someone a prince?
He also says if she makes a boneheaded mistake in the future, he would support her.
Bitch, no one asked you to support anything.
If this is support, give me something else.
Hannah is … not as proud.
She tells him that it wasnt a sexual thing and she made the decision so thats that.
But Luke had a feeling and now thats Hannahs problem!
He definitely thinks hes getting the group date rose.
Tyler and his tight-ass pants get the group date rose.
The final one-on-one date goes to Peter.
Can I just not?
I wrote in my notes THIS IS TOO INTIMATE.
Then Peter tells her the longest proverb Ive ever heard about a river and some water.
Hannah keeps saying that Peter makes her feel like a woman.
He makes part of her feel something.
Peter gets the one-on-one date rose.
He heads into her hotel room and plays her a positively vulgar song.
At least John Mayer used metaphors and similes.
Jeds song is straight up I wanna pull them panties down and acting like its Babyface.
Hannah gently takes his guitar and says That was cute and straddles him.
He tells her that hes falling in love for her.
The next morning, Hannah comes over before the rose ceremony to take Luke aside because obviously.
Lukes response is if Garrett hadnt told him that Hannah made an adult decision, he wouldnt be upset!
He also tells Hannah that she misunderstood him and he didnt actually say what she said he did!
Thats what this is all about.
How much more airtime does this backwards fucking idiot need?
Luke and Garrett have a standoff thats just them repeating the words STAY IN YOUR LANE over and over.
Tyler tells Luke that hes trying to be the big dog.
Luke says THATS BETWEEN ME AND HANNAH.
Garrett finally says that bungee jumping washisdate with Hannah and suddenly its Lukes problem.
Every guys eyes roll so far back in their head they can see their high school graduation.
Its time for the Rose Ceremony.
Jed, Mike, Connor, and Luke get roses.
This is all unfolding exactly how we all could predict.
Oh no, teacup pig.
