The Bachelorette
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Its not hard to start to see each Bachelorette as one of your friends.
Is she the one at your work that hacked into your email?
Hannah needs a girlfriend, a real girlfriend, and fortunately for her, Im here.
So, Hannah, girl.
You know what they say, a man with a big calf knows how to use his long staff.
No one should be weeping over a guy who manages to have rage-filled eyes and a slack jaw.
No one should be weeping over someone whose talent in a talent show was human speech.
How are you dickmatized already?
And let me now talk toThe Bachelorette,the television program.
Do not leave us on a To Be Continued when we know what the outcome is going to be.
Is there somewhereThe Bacheloretteis getting all these Kirkland Signature Nick Vialls?
What mix of white genetics gets us to this exact punch in of sentient Henley shirt?
Lets get to it.
(Note: She does not got this.)
But that doesnt matter right now because theyre heading to Americas sexiest state: Rhode Island.
WERE IN RHODE ISLAND!
Its time for the first date card of the week.
Get on a commuter rail and meet me in a couple hours in a completely different state!
Thats some good-ass advice.
This is whats passing for an emotional reveal now, Jed?
Jed, if youre going to do this, you better fucking come correct.
Nonetheless, Jed gets the rose.
The next date of the week is designed to make Luke P. fly into a psychosexual rage.
Also, Dylan straight up laughs when JOHN PAUL JONES reads his own name.
They all head to Fort Allen to play rugby.
JOHN PAUL JONES is just screaming and laughing with black paint on his face.
Luke P. warms everyone up in the locker room by screaming, TODAY WE FIGHT.
The crowd is chanting, KILL HIM!
Hannah wants the guys to attack each other and draw blood and prove that theyre manly men.
But dont hurt each other.
Lets have a fun game, gang.
Some guy named Kevin that no one has met before instantly gets hurt and heads off to the hospital.
Luke P. takes this as the opportunity to absolutely demolish every single dude on the green team.
The entire crowd turns on Luke P. and he doesnt know what he did wrong.
Against the political consultant that weighs like 50 pounds less than he does.
As they get ready for the cocktail party, the story keeps growing.
Luke kneed him in the face.
Luke S. was swinging at Luke P. Luke P. pulled out a rocket launcher and sent Luke S. flying.
The entire cocktail party becomes about the Lukes and their drama.
Luke P. says that he doesnt remember but what happened … but this is what happened.
Luke P. is actually 12 angry men.
The last date of the week is Tyler C.s one-on-one.
Is this healthy for her?
Should she be out at sea?
Tyler decides to comfort her and its actually pretty sweet.
Im coming around on this very chiseled man.
They head out on a lobster boat and catch, like, 45 lobsters.
He gets the rose.
Luke P., youre on TV.
We can all see you.
LUUUKE S.?!?
Mike tells Luke P. to come after him if he wants to defend himself.
Then Tyler C. says my favorite line of the episode: I never knew you had a tequila business.
To be continued …
