The Bachelorette
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Three hours?Three hours?Three.
What on Earth did we have to talk about for three hours?
Even if you didnt know, you knew.
What a disappointing finale.
Becca chose someone who thinks its funny to call school shooting survivors crisis actors.
Lets do this, I GUESS.
Host Chris is live!
Hes watching with a studio audience thats being prodded with rods to applaud and whimper at the producer-determined time.
Becca has brought her Minnesota family to the Maldives to judge her two remaining contesticles.
If anyone is getting a loser edit this episode, its Beccas moral fortitude.
Where was she on the hometown visit last season?
Emily is getting more screen time than their mom.
Becca has also brought a series of folksy uncles with her to provide a paternal opinion.
Up first in front of this folksy family tribunal is … Garrett!
He sits down with them and he gives a toast honoring her dad up in Heaven.
Everyone pack it up.
Beccas uncle wants to know about Garretts first marriage and asks how it ended after only two months.
He says that his ex-wife had a big blowout with his family right after the ring went on.
Garrett says he was raised to never quit on anything, but he had to quit that marriage.
And he wont quit on Becca even though thats the only relationship data we have on him.
Garretts favorite thing to say is that hes going to guard her.
Is he going to stand outside her bedroom at night?
She is his Cersei and hes her zombified Golden Knight brought back to life with the dark arts.
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Up next is Blake.
Blake is talkingso fast.it’s possible for you to feel the romantic anxiety radiating off the screen.
There has never been a man more in his head.
He talks about how he gravitates toward strong women because of the amazing women in his life.
Well, he might have said that.
He was speaking 185 words per minute and burying his face into his shirt.
Beccas family hints to him that he might not get the result he wants and asks him about Garrett.
Blake mutters to himself in the confessional interviews that hes at the end of his rope hearing about Garrett.
Get used to it, buddy.
After his visit, Becca asks her family if they have any preference.
They all subtly say both men are great ……………… but Blake, tho.
They tell her that Garrett is silly and the relationship would be more of a risk.
So, clearly Becca is torn.
She breaks down with her mom and her sister that shes going to have to hurt one of them.
Did this JUST occur to her?
Becca has one final date with each of them.
Garrett gets to swim on the equator and Blake gets to ride on a bike.
Oh no, Blake.
This is not looking good, buddy.
Is he another flat-Earther?
He says that butterflies are too small.
She gives him eagles.
WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK?
Absolutely not, Garrett.
I know strange extended romantic metaphors is a through line in this show, but weve crossed a line.
You give me eagles?
What does that mean?
That doesnt sound positive.
Bald eagles have seven-and-a-half foot wingspans.
That sounds like something violently ripping out of your chest.
In that case, this show gives me eagles.
Blake gives Becca a decoupage time-capsule box and they barely cuddle on the couch.
Its time for the proposal.
… Blake arrives first.
Becca does this strangely.
before she finally stops him.
She says that their relationship was so strong that she was overlooking other strong relationships.
Thats not comforting to hear, BECCA!
ABC kept billing this as the most dramatic finale ever.
It was … fine.
Blake was appropriately upset and Becca was crying while wandering through the trees and greenery.
The saddest thing is when Blake realizes how happy Becca is going to be when Garrett proposes.
Thats pretty fucking heartbreaking.
This finale also merged withAfter the Final Roseand brought Blake out immediately after watching his own rejected marriage proposal.
They bring Becca out and shes not wearing a deep-V metallic, so something is different about this day.
Blake asks herwhat changed.
If a family member or one of their children got sick, would he get in his head?
Even if thats truly what Becca thought, thats pretty shallow and shitty.
Deciding that someones anxiety and reaction to stress is a worrying sign is pretty shitty.
Its also not constructive and more hurtful than saying, It just wasnt you.
Its time for Garretts proposal.
I cant wait to hear this fucking poet.
Remember, he said one of the things he likes about Becca is how she says bag.
Everything about why Becca and Garrett like each other feels shallow.
She likes that he likes to fish because that reminds her of her dad.
Bitch, Ive been to Minnesota and swiped through Tinder.
Every dum-dum is holding some sort of bass or trout in their profile picture.
Look a little deeper.
The first thing she says she wants is a Costco membership.
Becausewe all knowthat bigots arent nice.
That bigots arent fun.
That bigots are unlovable.
Bigots can be fun and fun-loving.
Bigots can have families and friends.
Isnt that so much better?
Becca isnt an immigrant and she isnt a survivor of a school shooting.
Shes a straight, cisgender white woman.
She isnt the person who should be absolving Garrett and telling us his heart is pure and good.
Liking bigoted Instagram memes is harmful.
It doesnt just offend.
That dehumanization leads to real policies and real violence.
But cute ring, I guess?
