The Bachelorette
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Game of Thronesis airing its final episode next week.Big Bang Theoryis ending.
Chris Harrison will always be in some little skit after the credits.
So before this episode started, I was really worried about what her story was going to be.
Turns out Hannahs wholethingis feeling the indignity and discomfort of being a mortal woman.
What are the obstacles standing in the way of Hannah finding true love?
She … um … sometimes laughs a lot?
And is slightly above the socially acceptable amount of awkward for a woman of her attractiveness level?
She saysseveral timesin this episode that shes a lot and so much to handle.
Her biggest recorded mistake is saying a toast weird.
They dance around with scarves and then its time for her to head to the mansion.
LET ME ALSO SAY THIS.
This show is severely overestimating how much Demi Im willing to tolerate.
Is this going to be likeRuPauls Drag Race,where former ladytestants will appear throughout the season?
There has never been a more millennial sentence, and it enrages me.
Before the guys head to the mansion, they all must do a self-tape audition on their cell phones.
EVERYONE is doing a cell-phone video.
Its time to meet some of these contesticles!
First up is Tyler, a 26-year-old contractor who lives in Florida.
He says he was two credits away from being a dance minor.
A minor is, like, four classes, dude.
So you, like,took a dance class once?Also, he compares himself to Kevin Bacon.
Then theres airline pilot Peter, who comes from an aviation family.
He circles a field in his plane screaming HANNAH, IM COMING FOR YOU.
Its romantic, hell tell a jury one day.
Theres Mike Johnson, who goes to see the most important woman in his life, his great-grandma.
Give this woman a show.
Shes amazing and adorable.
Theres Matt Donald, the farmer, whose family is deaf and hes too sweet for this world.
Hes clearly the front-runner.
Its time for the arrivals.
Chris tells her to try every flavor, and shes ready to be confetti cake.
Can we not describe people as flavors, yo?
The entrances are mostly standardBachelorettefare.
Joe the Box King jumps out of wait for it a box.
Connor S. jumps over the fence because that is now a metaphor for romantic devotion.
(Connor is clearly winded after jumping the fence.)
Theres a guy who looks like John Smith working on Wall Street and his name is John.
He makes sure to say all.
No one fell into a pool!
Not a single person took a shirt off or tried to fight a seagull.
She storms into the living room where all the guys have congregated and says, Scott.
We need to talk.
Hannah doesnt even ask him if he has a girlfriend.
She says, You might be nervous coming in here today because you have a girlfriend.
Scotts defense is yes, he has dated a girl before.
He goes from claiming hes never sent a message before to Well, she texted me.
If you wanna get this upset with me, fine.
Hannah manages to stick up for the girl Scott was texting and tells Scott its time to go.
Commanding Hannah CAN GET IT.
Shes looking for something real.
Fucking poseurs can get the fuck out.
Hannah heads outside for a post-adrenaline-rush cry, and Luke P. is the first one to comfort her.
Connor S. comforts her with his male vocal fry, and he kisses her.
Unfortunately for him, Luke P. gets the first-impression rose.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
There are a lot of guys worried they didnt get enough time with Hannah because of the Scott diversion.
Says he had to forgo his promotion to be on the show.
He better get a rose.
