The Bachelor
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On the night of the waxing moon, three powerful witches come together.
Theyre not there to conjure the dead or bring plague and madness to the Earth.
No, theyre there to warn a burgeoning fuckboy about his penchant for blonde influencers.
With that, somewhere in an outdoor shower, Colton feels a shiver down his spine.
They have more magic in them than any of us can ever know.
Lets get to it.
I look forward to the new Sue Grafton novel,R for Right Reasons.
But before we can get to the mystery, theres still this business of the interrupted rose ceremony.
Nicole and Onyeka go home.
The remaining women head to Vietnam for the next week of dates.
Everyones hair and skin is looking a little frizzy and dewy.
Colton starts the week with another Snapchat video on the beach and his anxiety levels are rising.
The ladies all arrive at their hotel and lightly jog to their rooms.
Then they all lean over a balcony and scream GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM!
Because there is clearly nothing else to shout upon waking up in Vietnam.
Colton and Hannah G. head off to a spa-themed date.
He doesnt get Sydneys whack my weeds but he can make that innuendo?
Their date looked like the intro to a porn called SneakySpa Hidden Cam Virginity Massage.
Hannah G. says if they have an overnight date, she will take advantage of it.
Thats just a bizarre turn of phrase that sounds … too sexy.
On the evening portion of the date, Colton says his favorite part was SHOWERING.
I need WAY more information, and preferably photos.
Coltons parents are also divorced (I dont remember this being his emotional damage on Beccas season.
She gets the one-on-one rose.
Its time for the group date.
How many combat-based group dates are we going to suffer through this season?
The trouble with this date is the fighting is too real.
The ladies are instructed to face each other down with regular-ass boxing gloves and just go after each other.
Colton decides to call it and says everyone should put their shoes back on.
This is the saddest and weirdest moment of the season so far.
Its time for the group-date cocktail party, and suddenly, a hero emerges.
Colton cycles through everyone and the women of color tell him theyre feeling anxious.
Hannah B. smiles at him with an unwavering gaze thats absolutely terrifying.
Hannah B. also tells him that shes not just cute and sexy.
Shes going to wear his skin at some point.
Demi is either a genius at playing this game or an impossibly dumb child.
After watching this episode, Im going to have to say its both.
Cut to Demi chuckling to herself drinking a martini and Hannah B. napping in a pink jumpsuit.
Sydney decides that shes had enough and goes to fetch Colton from between Cassies thighs.
She can see Colton getting to that place with other people and he cant get there with her.
There isnt much to any of Coltons relationships beyond chemistry.
Becca did when she was with Garrett.
Sydney says she knows what she needs in a relationship and shes leaving.
I would … die for Sydney?
She is my new queen.
Colton tries to spin Sydneys exit and Tayshia gets the group date rose as an act of overcorrection.
In another act of overcorrection, Kirpa gets a one-on-one date.
I bet he thought he had to prove that he wasnt just interested in the more playful women.
Because he keeps saying I know our relationship is moving slow but thats fiiiiiiiiiiine!
Im not saving myself formarriagelike some WEIRDO.
Im just saving myself until I decide not to be a virgin anymore.
I just havent gotten around to it.
Kirpa gets the rose.
Shes not long for this world but Colton feels like hes picked someone who is READY TO BE ENGAGED.
After Kirpa comes home from her one-on-one date, Demi decides that her time is now.
Oh, honey, noooooo.
He just cant see himself with her at the end of this.
I need her 23-year-old ass to just relax.
Shes still got time for her ill-advised first marriage and first divorce.
Demi tells the girls that shes leaving and that triggers the rose ceremony to not have a cocktail party.
Hannah B., Caelynn, Cassie, and Heather all get roses.
Katie is the only one eliminated at this rose ceremony and Colton walks her out.
He tries to overcompensate and use his jacket to shield her from the rain.
She says, Dont worry about it.
Just be smart about these girls.
A pox on his house.
Thats now three witches who have warned him about someone or everyones intentions.
Tayshia says the tea is brewing and she wants someone to spill it.
Double, double,Toil and trouble,JUMP THAT FENCE, BITCH.
