The Bachelor
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Lets get to it.
The episode starts with the ladies waiting around totally naturally for the date cards to arrive.
Instead, they get a visit from Host Chris.
He mixes up Caelynn and Hannah B.
How can he mix up the only two peopleproviding any intereston this season at all?
Caelynn and Hannah B. are paying your fucking mortgage right now, Chris Harrison.
Chris isnt there to confuse two white women, thats my job, Chris.
Hes there to announce that theyre taking a trip to SINGAPORE.
THIS IS GENUINELY COOL.
Whichever one is the content creator asks Where is Singapore?
Colton says that Singapore has lights and buildings.
Its time for the first date card and it goes to Tayshia.
Hannah B. is staring directly into the sun and full-on weeping.
Colton and Tayshia are going bungee jumping on the beach in Singapore.
The whole thing becomes a giant metaphor for overcoming your fears and being open.
Observe:
I had a great time today.
What happened to you?
So, in the words of the show, whats Tayshias damage?
Hmmm … maybe marrying the first person youre intimate with doesnt always lead to success.
Thankfully, Colton has divorced parents so he can relate.
Coltons desire to relate doesnt come off so sweet later in the episode.
They head to a giant ferris wheel and make out HARD.
Tayshia gets a rose.
Shes never seen this show, has she?
Again, classic group date in a new country.
This group date also has a healthy dose of Arent foreign cultures just a lil kooky?
Yknow, date stuff.
That might sound harsh but … cmon.
Its a game show, maam.
You gotta hit the buzzer at some point.
Not on this show and not in real life.
The only flaw is that move is usually reserved for one-on-one dates or hometown visits.
Courtney asks if the leeches are FDA approved.
The FDA does not have jurisdiction in a Singapore back room.
Then theres a little montage of everyone eating offal and various animal parts.
Hannah B. says that Colton should recognize that shes eating a fish eye to impress him.
Its time for the evening portion of the group date.
Hannah B. is just asking for a little reassurance, but it always comes off as a feelings ultimatum.
Courtney is sitting around waiting for her turn and shes getting wound up.
She says shed just like to feel confident for once.
Demi says that no one feels confident.
Demi says that Courtneys approach seems lazy and she hasnt done anything to get Coltons attention.
DEMI IS NOT WRONG.
Courtney thinks that Colton is busy thinking about her, and Colton aint thinking about ANYTHING.
Demi tells Colton about her mother being released from federal prison.
Demi is frustrated that Courtney isnt taking advantage of her time so she goes to find Colton again.
Demi is playing three-dimensional chess while Courtney is still figuring out how to set up the Jenga pieces.
Kirpa tells Courtney that people are getting double time and Courtney loses her goddamn mind.
Courtney then starts to insult Demis maturity level and tells her she has no class.
Class is a lie invented by the boring to justify their existence.
Courtneys plan backfires when Demi gets the group date rose.
Its time for Caelynns date and its not worth talking about anything other thanher incredibly powerful story.
Survivors rights were her platform in the Miss USA pageant.
Do we remember how sexual assault became something women who regret their sexual experiences cry to avoid consequences?
Its amazing how sexual assault gets treated on the show when it doesnt threaten any executives livelihoods.
Then theres Coltons reaction.
BUT THEN he pivots to this somehow being the reason hes still a virgin and this idiotcompletelylost me.
Where is the logic here?
How is this appropriate?
This isnt really his story to tell and its CERTAINLY not his story to tell about HIS VIRGINITY.
Its insulting to even bring it up, but nonetheless, Caelynn gets the one-on-one rose.
This bitch is crazy.
Demi pulls Colton aside to tell him that Courtney is a cancer in the house.
Tracy and Courtney head into that sweet Singapore night.
Next week, Elyse does something SHOCKING.
Is it turn 32?
