The Bachelor
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We all achieved our dreams and reached that mountaintop.
Cant we all just go home now?
Im tired and sleepy and I cant listen to this many 23-year-olds scream at each other over a virgin.
Chris Harrison, let me go.
Let me lie down in the 10-degree weather here in Chicago and enjoy my last moments in peace.
Let my last memories of Colton be of him jumping the fucking fence.
No one asked for this.Who is Jane?
!Lets get to it.
It also begins with an extended scene of Colton showering in a hotel bathroom.
They have opened the door for us to objectify Colton and I would like to respond.
Where are the abs?
Most of the Women Tell All is focused on the rivalries in the house.
After a montage of women screaming at each other, were treated to women screaming at each other.
Demi shoots her hand up in unison with her clip of calling Courtney the cancer of the house.
This is also the moment when Demi ceased to be fun.
Sure, we all loved this petite knock-off Margot Robbie wreaking havoc in the house, but now?
Shes high on her own damn supply and delivering every line as if its a catchphrase.
!Demanding another shot on TV because youre getting parched yelling about cougars isnt owning your truth.
Its being a messy-ass bitch.
Theres more to this Demi nonsense, but first we have to check in with Nicole and Onyeka.
Girl, you better stop with your eyebrows and your declarations.
This is causing my blood pressure to spike.
Nicole is basically saying she felt hurt when Onyeka called her a psycho and emotionally unstable.
Thats an extremely fair position.
Onyekas position is, You cant get mad at me for being outspoken.
The fuck I cant.
How is that not what youre doing?
When did this become about Nina?
When Sydney stands up for Nicole, Onyeka calls her a coward by choosing to leave on her own.
The next mini-feud is Caelynn versus Katie.
Katie is in the top five most beautiful women ever to appear on this show.
I know its not important but goddamn, that woman.
I cant with her.
Caelynns argument is that Katie put every relationship in question.
Thats a whole lot of words from someone who claims to have never said anything suspicious.
Yeah, I said it.
It was joke and everyone is taking it out of context.
But Caelynn cant do that.
Kirpa also chimes in that Caelynn admitted that she said she wanted to be Bachelorette to her too.
Caelynn is not getting the nextBacheloretteedit now.
Alright, lets do all these Demi fights.
The problem is,The Bachelorwants to have it both ways with Demi.
She cant be the chaotic-evil villain of the seasonandtug on our heartstrings as this sweet and vulnerable character.
In real life, sure, but this isnt real life.
Also, shes completely unclear on what makes someone a cougar.
A cougar is a woman past 40 dating a guy under 30.
Thats ALL it is.
We had a whole moment about it in the mid-2000s.
Its not just dating someone younger.
My boyfriend is 11 months younger than me and Im not a cougar.
But according to Demis logic, I am over 27 so Im basically an old crone.
First of all, as far as props go, its too small to read on camera.
Is this … a thing?
Did she ever mention Halo Top, or do they just support criers?
Then they give some to Colton in the shower and its offensive.
Its a whole bunch of generic, I learned to love myself through this journey.
Im happy for her because she was doing too much.
Now its time for Caelynns turn in the hot seat.
Chris asks her, You were the front-runner.
She felt that there was love between them and getting sent home just didnt make sense.
Shes been watching the season and she can feel the love between them.
Then Colton comes out with the single worst tie in human history.
Onyeka says he cant look any of them in the eye.
No one says that they just dont want to look at that damn tie.
Demi, for some reason, gets a special moment to talk to Colton.
How close were they?
Did he like her?
Demi uses her time as an elaborate setup to burn on Courtney one more time.
Then Courtney has NOTHING TO SAY TO COLTON.
Even if youre trying to be above it all, just say something sweet to Colton.
Caelynn says, Okay … maybe you cant, like … answer … the question.
She says, You didnt love me.
The final question is from Sydney.
Colton admits again that he doesnt understand whack your weeds.
With a little critical distance, its certainly a cloudy innuendo, but cmon, dude.
At least act like you belong.
Sydney wants to know if Colton is a virgin and five women think hes still a virgin.
Take down his pants!
Colton kisses a stray dog on the mouth!
See you next week for the 18-part finale.
There is only finale now.
