The Bachelor
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Colton wants everyone to know this episode that hes looking for a capital-S, capital-WStrong Woman.
What will her husband or boyfriend do for her?
She doesnt NEED ANYTHING.
Shes too busy being strong.
Chrissy Snow fromThrees Company.And that is what were celebrating onThe Bachelortonight.
Lets get to it.
But with this gang of lady-testants?
You could replace every single one with another Instagram influencer and I wouldnt.
As a result, this whole thing feels aimless and the women feel interchangeable.
It doesnt help that one of them literally cannot describe any important moment in her life.
Just pickanything, Caitlin.
You had to have had a great burger at some point.
We can work with that.
Sydney starts the episode by saying she hopes the drama is all over.
Do you know what show youre on?
Courtney says there have already been high highs and low lows.
Host Chris says thats just the way love goes and he has to pay 97 cents to Janet Jackson.
Hannah B. begins smiling through the pain so intensely that both her eyes begin bleeding.
The lady-testants put on their workout gear and head out.
The date is learning how to be a pirate at Pirates Dinner Adventure.
This gives the impression of some sort of Medieval Times knockoff with less historical accuracy.
Colton is waiting up in the crows nest in a pirates outfit.
There are some people who just cannot pull off period wear.
Colton looks like the physical embodiment of the CW.
His face is circa 2005.
Theyregoing to pick Hannah B. and Caelynn.
Everyone else should take a nap until its time for their turkey leg dinners.
This episode is defined by ill-defined obstacle courses.
Its time for the evening portion of the date and they all head to an antique store.
Did they run out of bars in L.A.?
They couldnt even hang out on the pirate ship a little longer?
Katie steals Colton away first and they say they have soooooooo many things in common.
Lets name the things they have in common: sushi.
We must realize something about Demi.
Demi is doing an impression of a Marilyn Monroe GIF she saw on the internet once.
Shes not a real threat, but to someone who has never had sex before, shesreallysexy.
Hannah B. tells Colton that staying with Caelynn was the most hostile environment shed ever been in.
Colton has to just get up and leave.
Colton tries to talk to Caelynn about the situation and Caelynn bursts into tears.
Caelynn is delivering us reality TV victim and for that, I applaud her.
She gets the group date rose.
The one-on-one date card goes to Elyse!
Shes one of the Ancient Council (read: shes 31).
Colton tells her that their date is going to be a group date.
They are going to be joined by a mob of children.
Elyse makes sure to mention their age difference 13 times.
The day in the amusement park is standardBachelordate fare.
Its when they head to the evening portion of the date that things become VERY intense.
The thing that makes my ears perk up is the inclusion of obviously in various parts of Elyses story.
The idea that obviously a woman would reject treatment to take her fetus to term.
After their emotional dinner, they head to a private concert with Tenille Arts.
Elyse gets the rose.
Colton says hes looking for someone who can be there for him as his rock.
THEY GET TO MEET TERRY CREWS!!
Can you imagine how exciting it would be to meet Terry Crews?
Onyeka saysWhite Chicksis one of her favorite movies and I briefly slip into a fugue state.
After a quick workout, the ladies head to the Strongest Bachelorette competition.
Fred Willard is on retainer forThe Bachelor(ette)in perpetuity, I guess.
Theres a series of challenges to reinforce their fitness with their fitness to be wed. At one point, shes no longer moving and the limo is still rolling forward.
Colton finally sits down with Caitlin after shes been freaking out about not getting enough time with him.
He asks her the easiest question in the world: So like … whats your deal?
Colton is like, I cannot do this and I am literally Colton.
Nicole gets the group date rose.
Caelynn decides to tell Colton more about her feud with Hannah B. by revealing roughly zero details.
Im gonna need one of these women to give me some specifics.
How bad was this falling-out?
Yall are bringing it up and making it your storyline so give me the details!
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Is it time for the two-on-one date yet?
