The Bachelor
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My soul was shaken with such a force that it made the hairdryer helmet rattle.
Demi attempted adult communication and put on her best lip gloss to tell Colton how she felt.
What did he do?
Sent both of them home.
They left because thats what they do, thats the kind of people they are.
He has to grow?
He has to become a fully-realized person?
He needs to get highlights and read anOprahmagazine and teach himself about himself.
All this to say: that must be why Colton continues to pick Cassie.
Lets get to it.
Beyond Cassie and Caelynns bizarre whispers to each other, was there anything interesting happening on these hometown visits?
I mean, besides Hannah G. attempting to rap.
Okay, you got me.
That was the beige cardigan of rap.
That was the unseasoned chicken of rap.
That was the plain La Croix of rap.
Theres never been a black person in that house.
Hannah G. also said, Ive been rapping for years.
Imagine doing something for years and still being that shitty at it.
Then her dad, who probably thoughtGreen Bookdeserved the Academy Award for Best Picture, decided he should beatbox.
Hannah G. made Sugar Hill Gang look like Wu-Tang Clan.
The first hometown visit is Caelynn.
This womans heart is made of ice and I wish I could see her.
She needs to be middle Elsa who has made the snow gown but doesnt feel bad about it yet.
Shes showing off Fredericksburg, Virginia.
The most interesting thing she can show off is where her mom used to draw peoples blood.
They sit quietly in a wood and talk about Caelynns family.
She goes to great lengths to explain what a stepfather is.
John, Caelynns stepdad, watches Colton feed Caelynn a bit of a fried Oreo.
I dont know if this was a deliberate strategy, but Ill be damned, it works.
Lets talk about this shit, too.
Colton, most of these women are under 25.
They need their fathers permission to rent a car.
So what, bitch?
Women are no longer something to be traded from father to husband.
Just because something is in your values doesnt mean its appropriate or reasonable.
And if you mean blessing or just a heads up, just say that.
Up next is Hannah G. in Birmingham, Alabama.
She says that Colton has to learn to be a Southern GentlemanTM to make it impress her parents.
Like hes a proud horse.
To tell him this, she also explains what an umbrella is.
Do people not think Colton knows what stuff is?
Shes easily convinced after Hannah says that Colton makes her feel safe.
She says that Hannah left as a mamas girl and returned as a woman in love.
These two blonde pine cones deserve each other.
Up next is Tayshia.
Colton starts screaming about how shes violating their sacred trust built over six weeks.
Colton says, If I survive this fall, I still have to lose my virginity.
I think thats the tagline for the newNational Lampoons Air Force Bone.
This interaction with Colton and Tayshias dad is actually how these permission conversations should go.
Tayshias dad also tells Colton not to use the word love around him because thats creating a web.
This man is cryptic as hell.
Cassie is waiting on the beach in a bikini for Colton because of course she is.
She teaches Colton to surf.
Colton says its the relationship with the strongest attraction and shes the perfect balance of sexy and cute.
She knows that hes falling in love with her but she wont say it unless she really means it.
Cassies dad is very hard to impress and his initial assessment of Colton is that hes a guy.
Im surprised the camera never cuts to him with his hand down her jumpsuit.
Everyone in her family is like, They havechemistry.
Cassies sister tells her that there are hundreds of guys out there so maybe she shouldnt settle for less.
Her father compares marrying Colton to buying a car.
Does that answer your question?
Colton is AGGRESSIVELY BUMMED.
Lets get this week over with and get to the fence-jump.
Caelynn doesnt get a rose.
A strategic move so Cassie is unavailable to be the next Bachelorette?
Caelynn cries in Coltons arms and says shes been blindsided.
See you next Monday AND Tuesday for the fence-jump and Women Tell All!
