The Bachelor
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What do you mean hes gone?
I mean … it happened.
He jumped a fence, didnt he?
You mean his complete lack of adult relationship experience?
You know I am.
YOU KNOW I AM.
Somewhere, Chris Harrison is lightly jogging in jeans thinking its going to help.
Lets get to it.
These two blonde Pringles cans deserve each other.
Theres barely enough there to dive into with her Fantasy Suite date.
Hes a 27-year-old who is not in a committed relationship using the phrase make love.
He definitely doesnt know girls have three holes down there.
Tayshias date is first and, in a way, last.
They start by heading to a helicopter and talking about what Portugals chief exports are.
This is the stuff that dynamite sexual chemistry is made of.
The most interesting thing that happens at dinner is that Tayshias titty slips out of her dress.
Just say you eat pussy like an adult.
He also says How hard can it be?
In case you forgot he was a straight man.
The next morning, Colton is sitting up in bed, staring into middle distance and still a virgin.
Tayshia feelsfrustratedand is trying to look on the bright side.
Sure, they didnt bang, but they did get to be in private together.
Its time for Cassies Fantasy Suite date.
All over America, women watching at home felt a surge of anticipation shiver through their bodies.
THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD AND THAT GOD IS THE JUMP.
Oh, youll get that emotional assurance, Colton and youll find it WITH THE FENCE.
They go on a classic walk around the city and stumble upon some random dancing old people date.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
She also says there are no red flags with Colton.
Viewers, this is what the Greeks call dramatic irony.
Cassie just begins making a series of confused and scared faces.
Colton says Cassie was disappointed but he hopes they can move past that for a great night together.
Because nothing is better foreplay for an extremely religious Christian woman than her fathers disapproval.
Meanwhile, ABC has dispatched a black van to pick up some precious cargo and its Cassies Dad!
I dont remember his name but he definitely looks like his name is Pastor Dan.
This is the third heat this Fantasy Suite date needed: someones dad!
Its time for this breakup.
I feel like there have been moreladytestant-driven breakupsthan rose ceremonies this season.
Colton is bad at this.
The women are abandoning him.
Did anyone else feel their insides shimmer when Colton put on that burgundy scarf and white shirt?
Thats the outfit he jumps the fence in.
After a cute little toast where theyre both very giggly and smiley, its time for this breakup.
Cassie cankiss her stint as the Bachelorette good-bye.
This is … very bad.
The show is broken.
They hold each other for a total of 17 minutes and Cassie stares out into the distance.
Girl, you know you fucked up.
Colton walks her out and she says, Are you mad at me?
Dang, shes twenty and three years old.
Colton goes back inside, says, Fuck all of this.
Im done with this, and charges back out into that inky Portugal night.
Hes shoving the cameras and knocking things over.
He takes off his mic and someone says to get Chris Harrison.
The fuck is Chris Harrison going to do?
He cant do anything when Colton is able to jump an eight-foot fence with ZERO problems.
Chris Harrison just says, He just jumped the fucking fence.
Is there a button that opens the gate?
Hes just fucking gone.
TO BE CONTINUED …
