The Bachelor
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Once upon a time, there was a blonde girl who loved to appear on reality-TV shows.
She didnt think she would win.
She didnt think shed make it all the way to the end.
She just wanted to get a few new Instagram followers and maybe join Raya.
But then, the Bachelor went and did the stupidest thing of all his dumb ass fell in love.
The beautiful blonde girl didnt know what to do.
So suddenly, her father appeared and told her to what to do.
What was the beautiful blonde aspiring Instagram model to do?She would have to decide on her own.
So she actually made a decision.
Because the truest words of romance arechaseandfight.
How would this fairy tale end?
Would the beautiful blonde potentialE!
Newshost end up in the arms of the Bachelor?
I guess thats how this all ends.
I thought there would be a little more to this.
Well, then.The End.
Lets be honest here: They dont have nearly enough footage to turn this into a complete episode.
This was bad, yall.
Also, do you thinkCaelynn is shitting a brick?
Did anyone expect an ending that wasnt this one, though?
Lets get to it.
Colton says she hopes shes not at peace with her decision because hes not.
She is just in her hotel room alone, miced up singing la dee da, my sweaters!
I think shes fine.
Also, fuck you, dude.
Cassie gasps and puts her hand to her mouth.
She says, Sorry, what?
This is 100 percent not what she wants to happen.
She keeps saying Oh my God, what?
and doing her best impression of a person affected by this news.
Cassie cant string together a coherent response and just keeps saying, Im so nervous right now.
This is really crazy.
That could cause him to resent her.
Colton says thats just a relationship.
Um … what bitch?
Whats she compromising, Colton?
What is Cassie giving up?
How is setting the stage for resentment a real relationship?
We gotta say this: COLTON HAS NEVER BEEN IN AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP.
He has no idea what it takes to create or sustain much of a relationship.
Nothing about what hes saying happens in a relationship sounds like … reality?
Coltons family is waiting in Spain for him, and he wants Cassie to go with him.
I was cringing my face off this entire episode.
Things only got worse when he went to meet his family.
Colton sits down with his family and announces that hes not a virgin anymore and they all celebrate.
Everyone starts yelling TOLD YA!
Then Colton says, Just kidding, and his brother says, Im disappointed.
Just so were all clear: Coltons brother is disappointed he didnt get his dick wet yet.
Thats what hes talking about.
Colton explains that he went from 30 women to 0 to 1.
Youre at about two-thirds of a woman right now.
Coltons mom asks if hes in love with Cassie.
OF COURSE HE IS.
WHEN HE LOOKS AT HER BIRDS SING, FLOWERS BLOOM.
Is Cassie in love with him?
He sits down with Cassie outside, where shes wearing some sort of denim bandage dress and combat boots.
She says that shes nervous and feels weird, and he says, Why?
On a television program.
She doesnt want to let them down.
Well, you let their son down, like, 36 hours ago, so lets relax.
Colton thinks she should tell him that shes crying and freaking out because theyre gonna love her.
While Colton is calming Cassie down, his parents are asking, Why did she leave?
Why is our son doing this?
Can we get off this ride?
Coltons stepdad asks if theyre boyfriend-girlfriend.
Thats a good-ass question.
Colton says, Were gonna take it where we left off on the bench.
Thats not an answer.
They dont know what the bench is.
All they know is youre two blond essential-oil diffusers who should not be together.
Cassie sits down with his mom and she asks what his mom wants to know.
His mom phrases it as your decision to bail.
Cassie is fucking toast.
Lets all start the countdown clock on this relationship.
She doesnt know ANYTHING about him.
These are two people who dont know each other.
WHAT A FUNNY JOKE.
WE ARE ALL LAUGHING WITH YOU, COLTON.
Once they repel down a mountain as some sort of metaphor, they sit down for a picnic.
Colton asks her whats keeping her from being in a relationship with him.
She says its not a relationship with him, its a relationship or commitment in general.
EVERYONE OWES KATIE A FUCKING APOLOGY.
To her, a relationship is something where you have to change everything about you.
She says that when they leave Mallorca, she wants to be all-in.
Colton presents her with the fantasy-suite card and she says YES before he finishes asking her.
Good for them, I guess.
They usher the crew out of the suite so fast they forget to get their mics taken off.
The sound guy tells them good luck and they shut the door.
In the morning, there are clothes everywhere.
They dont have ANYTHING to fill these two hours.
Demi says she hopes Cassie jumps Colton like a Portuguese fence.
Wait … who is the fence in this situation?
Onyeka says that she hopes Colton doesnt come up short.
Can we just stop talking about this mans penis for like nine seconds.
Im over Coltons penis and Ive never even seen it.
What a passionate commitment.
There is no final rose ceremony.
Real quick: Lets talk aboutHannah B. as the Bachelorette.
Also, shes way too easily impressed.
I cant believe you were so good at putting them ding-dang-dong sentence ingredients together!
Damn girl, act like youre supposed to be here.
Will you accept this rose?
ShesTransmorphers.ShesThe Dunwich Horror.ShesThe Bachelor Girl.
See you in May!
