The Bachelor
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Have we secured the asset?
A severe ABC Executive looks at a wall made up of screens.
She takes a swig directly from a bottle of expensive scotch.
A meek production assistant comes through the door, trembling.
You better have good fucking news.
Chris Harrison did a light jog and found him.
Thank god for that khaki-wearing idiot.
Was the COLTON in one piece?
Yes, but well have to … reprogram it.
Has the FCC approved our request to air his deflowering on live TV?
What do you want us to about the awakening?
drop in the Fight for Her protocol.
Oh, and one more thing.
Make his hair do something very stupid.
Boy, oh boy.
They really didnt have enough footage for these last two episodes, did they?
Theyre trying to make a meal out of a single Cheez-It that fell on the floor.
To start the episode with Host Chris doing a full montage about the entire season is INSULTING.
Lets get to it.
All of the producers shouting COLTON!!
into the inky blackness made me think Colton would be a great name for a dog.
Their puppy got out and theyre worried hes going to nap in someones backyard.
Host Chriss big suggestion is to ride back to the hotel because its too far to walk.
Chris, Colton sprinted to that spot three miles from the hotel and he hasnt broken a sweat.
He leapt over a fence in dress boots.
But youre a good judge of character?
Shes just sitting in some hotel, journaling her little heart out.
Colton says that he knows that Cassie loves him and shes just scared.
Hes going to fight for her because she completes him.
Lets just talk about this goddamn narrative.
If Cassie wanted to be with you, shed be with you.
That you know whats best for her and whats best for her is what you want.
Burn the patriarchy down.
I can barely joke about this ding-dong because every single decision hes making is preposterous.
Up first is Tayshia.
Colton heads to her hotel room and knocks on the door.
Tayshia is excited to see Colton for approximately three seconds until she looks into Coltons eyes.
His speech is very bad.
He says he cant be in love with two people so he picks Cassie and that they deserve better.
Tayshia realizes exactly whats happening and asks to go inside away from the cameras.
The camera crew scrambles to get out of sight but still be in range of her microphone.
When Tayshia and Colton are alone, he starts weeping and she apologizes?!?!
Bitch, for what?
She also spends the entire time asking him if hes okay and telling him its fine.
When Coltons tears dry, Tayshia breaks down and repeats, Its okay.
Its okay to herself as she gets her very Instagrammable straw purse.
Now its time to continue to emotionally torture Tayshia … er …
I mean … put her in the hot seat to get closure.
I guess the only way to get her dads approval is to become the dad.
Youre not 5. you could pick your words or create a moment thats less hurtful, COLTON.
You could also, I dont know,apologize to Tayshia.Does he apologize to anyone?
Shes ready to spend the rest of her life with him.
Oh, sweet Hannah G.
Colton arrives and sits down with her and deliversTHE EXACT SAME SPEECHhe gave Tayshia.
FIGURE THAT OUT BEFORE YOU GO TALK TO HER.
He tells her that hes trying his best.
Fuck off, dude.
Dont say Portugal) …………………… us.
You are kind of an asshole right now, too.
Hannah G. sits down with Colton and shes just hurt by how blindsided she was.
Hannah wants to know why Colton could give every other relationship a chance but not hers.
GOOD QUESTION, HANNAH.
So any pressure to be an adult in a grown-up relationship is gone.Perfect plan where no one gets hurt.
Hannah G. also calls him out and says that what Cassie did to him, he did to her.
This is where the round of applause should have broken out.
Incredibly inconsiderate and short-sighted.
He actually says Not looking good for him to lose his virginity.
Shes actually been dumped on camera, knows Colton, and has been the lead of this show.
Shes got the expertise.
But no, they literally lose her in a crowd.
Host Chris asks, What the likelihood of Colton losing his virginity?
