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He still seems entirely capable of murder (Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone.
Do I have it in me to take a human life?
Watch me sell this.
Uncle Anthony
My sister had a baby to attempt to save the relationship.
But I still dont talk to her.
A Strong Lineage of Assholes
Im not even the biggest asshole in my family.
I had this cousin.
Everybody hated this cousin.
My own family hated this cousin.
And then a couple of years ago, my cousin fell off of a horse and broke his neck.
We all refer to that as The Superman Incident because that horse is a hero.
Jeselniks family tree has thick branches.
Thick, ruthless, nasty branches.
Urban Legends
When I was in high school, my high school employed a blind janitor.
One hundred percent totally blind.
All the other kids would joke around that he went blind from masturbating too much.
At the time I believed that.
I was just a kid.
I didnt know any better.
Weve all heard the stories: Stop making that face or it will get stuck that way.
If you keep touching yourself, youll go blind.
But eventually, myths bust themselves.
There Goes the Neighborhood
One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimers.
Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. Now, Ive thought about moving.
Ive thought about not answering my door in the morning.
But to be honest, its worth it just to see the smile on his face.
No one was even mad.
My grandfather died in what has to be the best way possible.
My grandfather died in a hammock, on a beach, in Hawaii, during a sunset.
Thats how I want to go out: strangled to death.
A lot of folks say that if they had the choice theyd like to die in their sleep.
But why not dream big?
Uncovering the Truth
When I was a little kid, I had a pet turtle.
Kept him in an aquarium.
One summer I went away to camp.
While I was gone at camp the turtle died.
When I got home, my dad lied to me.
He said, Anthony, your turtle is alive and well.
It just went to go live with your mother.
I believed that until a couple days later.
I was digging around in the backyard … and found my moms body.
Worst day of my life.
I loved that turtle.
Whats the best way to teach a child about death?
Probably not this way.
My Favorite Murder-Suicide
You hear your friend Jeff just committed suicide.
Jeselnik has putalotof thought into which key in of suicide is the best.
After discrediting various suicides (Doctor-assisted suicide?
Get that weak shit out of here!
), he begins his pitch on why murder-suicide is number one.
For the Love of the Game
I dont know if youve ever helped someone get an abortion.
Its a big favor.
Its a big favor to do for somebody.
Not an easy favor at all.
Dont get me wrong, Im as pro-choice as they come.
Fire in the Maternity Wardcloses with an abortion joke.
Correction: It closes with multiple abortion jokes wrapped tightly inside one giant abortion joke.
