The Real Housewives of Orange County
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Your allegiances are constantly shifting and making the dynamic electric.
When a Housewives show becomes stale is when there are #Teams.
Were at that place withOC.You either have to be #TeamKelly or #TeamTresAmigas.
Or maybe youre team #OhPleaseNeitherOfThemMakeItStop.
But theres no interplay.
Its just this or that.
Youre an ugly pig or You threw your mother down the stairs.
Those are our choices, and, well, all of them are a little bleak.
Um, excuse me?
I want every single detail of this story right now.
Was she like Michelle Pfeiffer inScarface, living a life of luxury with some dangerous man?
How did she even get there?
How did she get out?
Does the American Bar Association know this lawyer was willingly engaged with someone leading a life of crime?
Could she end up in prison with Teresa Giudice and Luann de Lesseps?
(Kellys favorite isFor Whom the Bell Tolls.)
The Tres Amigas sit in their hotel room going, Alexa, who is Ernest Hemingway?
Is he an author?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Is the pope Catholic?
Can I find my asshole with two hands and a flashlight?
When will Universal reboot theDark Universe?
I mean, seriously.
Finally, everyone goes on a sunset cruise around Key West.
Seriously, who the hell planned this trip?
I could afford the $30 to join a bunch of other drinkers to go on a sunset cruise.
This is supposed to be aspirational?
Why arent they on their own yacht?
Instead, they have to pose for selfies with all the other bachelorette parties on asharedboat.
Some production assistant got so fired over this trip.
Kelly wont wear the hat, because she knows when shes being insulted.
Also, dont be the kind of person who wears group hats on a trip.
you could all have fun and show your group unity without dressing like 10-year-olds going to an art museum.
(Imagine telling this to a house full of gays about to go to Carnival in P-Town.
Theyd cast me out of town, steal my poppers, and ask if I had any GHB.)
Also on the boat: Tamra and Kelly make up for, like, the third time.
Tamra says maybe Kelly and Vicki will make up, but they are too far gone.
Vicki says Kelly just does things to her and she doesnt do anything back.
Thanks to the editors for rattling through all the awful things Vicki has said about Kelly just this season.
The Vicki-vs.-Kelly thing is getting so lame.
That is entirely true, and it has become the black hole that swallows the rest of the season.
In space, no one can hear you scream about not being a con woman.
But at least Kelly is admitting she has a problem and she might want to fix it.
In Vickis mind, she hasnt done anything wrong at all and is perfectly fine.
Which is more delusional?
This session is all sorts of insane, though, starting with its setting.
Yes, that is what they both need.
They both need therapy to work out where their anger comes from and get rid of it.
How does Mike Dow want to go deeper?
By doing a loving meditation in which they wish their enemieslove and light.
Mike Dow does make some good points.
That was like some art-movie shit.
Kelly says she doesnt want to bother because she knows shell pop off.
Its a little on the nose.
Kelly agrees to go to the party.
He walks toward his car and puts the blanket in the trunk, closing it with a muffled thud.
Just then, someone with aheadsetaround his neck chugs up toward him.
Thanks for getting Kelly to come to the party, one of the producers from the show says.
And well let you know next time we need an on-air therapist.
We go through them like tampons.
