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Lang, and looking like someone starved a virgin to death.
His parents gave him up because he made luxury travel difficult.
He has no idea when he was born.
Zack Woods, the actor who portrays Jared, is 35 years old.
You might assume that Jared is about the same age, but he wouldnt know.
The CPS worker couldnt find my birth certificate, but … maybe now it is.
He has a 40-year-old godson.
If the above math is right, that means that Jareds godson is a few years old than him.
He has a lot of elderly friends.
Then in season five, Jared tells Richard that he has an enormous heart.
He lost half his family (presumably in some tragic way).
He was raised in group homes.
Jared replies, One of the boys at my group home always said that.
Jareds discomfort in his own skin can also be traced back to his childhood.
I have a lifelong aversion to my own image, he says in one episode.
I was state-raised, Jared reminds Richard.
You think Im scared to catch a case of some bullshit?
He was adopted at some point.
Hes comfortable in cultlike tweaks.
Itd be crowded but cozy.
Theyll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians.
Harriet Tubman was his imaginary friend.
He might be half Apache.
The half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back.
Ill scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches.
Ill kill them with knives.
Ill kill them with guns.
Ill kill them with my hands.
Ill talk them into suicide.
He has fragile body parts.
While Jareds mind might be half-crazed, his body is quite delicate.
I have a fragile posterior, he explains.
My aunt used to call me glasshole.
He watches a lot of Julia Roberts movies, but notMy Best Friends Wedding.
Jareds tendency to look at life as one big Julia Roberts movie has become a recurring theme.
You know, like that guy who married Julia Roberts inSleeping With the Enemy?
Like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts inPretty Woman.
Every day here has been like that shopping-spree scene.
Im putting on hats.
But Jared says he has never seen it.
I put a touch of mint in the steamer.
Youre going to look like Richard Gere fromPretty Woman.
Maybe tonight youll fall for a radiant sex worker.
And he means it with the best of intentions.
He worked as a prostitute.
If you want to work the corner, you cant fall in love every time you turn a trick.
Thats why you do the oxy.
He has bribed at least one person with sex.
Am I proud of it?
Do I regret it?
He shakes his head.
He very possibly could have murdered someone.
And worst-case scenario, the john walks off with a free peek.
He has seen at least one dead (naked) body.
Have you ever seen a naked dead person?
He has slept in a box.
Jared replies, No, I havent slept in a box in years.
That way Im always home.)
He has been assaulted, possibly multiple times.
In yet another uncomfortable moment, Jared cheerily declares, Its good to face your fears.
Cause he kept whispering that.
The only people who have used that term with me were assailants.
He was abused.
In season five, Jared tells Richard, Adversity is a great teacher.
Just like cigarette burns.
His childhood toy was a Ziploc bag.
Then goes on to explain, It wasnt technically an animal.
He has a method for blocking out traumatic experiences.
Jared calls it Uncle Jerrys game.
He watches a lot of nature videos.
He speaks German in his sleep.
Though Jared claims not to speak German, he does so while hes sleeping.
And has an odd tendency to quote Hitler on occasion.
We have the perseverance.
Triumph of the will.
Dinesh then, quite accurately, describes him as the most cheerful person Ive ever heard quote Hitler.
So technically Hitler was the Hitler of music.
He also knows Latin.
And while I can no longer digest bread, I know that you leaven my life.
Hes not a fan of Al Gore.
People dont want to follow an idea, they want to follow a leader, he says.
Look at the last guy to create a new internet.
Maybe in Jareds mind thats a compliment.
This guy fucks!
But the rest I wont talk about.
